Dear Bloggers,
I would like to annouce that World War III has officially begun!! Can't say that this is a shock to Shaerazaad as she is very used to it, and is happy to give people more than enough time to'change'. However time is finally up, and one by one she will kick all your asses with glee. This is a very scary time for all involved, but it is a just war....i know that many of you have already lost the will to live, survive, at Sharezaad's shock uprising, so please in the next few weeks find something tight to hold onto.
These are the latest developments :
Chris Moyles book sales have rapidly slumped, no surprise there then fatty. See Raja's notes.
Pudsey has been off sick for days, and has finally been able to muster up the courage to return to live broadcasting (although not without the help of string tranquilizers, words and prose nobody fuckin understands, or would ever want to)
The Wright Stuff have quickly called in 'celeb ethnic' mate Sanjeev Bhaskar to help them out with all this, and are looking for some help on this ethnic issue, as it's is very bewlidering, and they simply can't find a solution. Matthew Wrights dirty looks at the screen just don't seem to work anymore, so if they can write up a script and let Adil Ray know he will be on tomorow, at least the know the snake himself will be listening, so that should give them siome moral support, and they think that Shaherazzad doesn't even know baout this, so they can smirk to themselves, and 'scoff' (there's a word for you pudsey) when the ad breaks are on.
Lorraine has switched sides, as she is intelligent and understands it's just a laugh.
RajaNo1 has now suddenly become very proud to be known as a real 'bonafide' Mirpuri, though not without his stern violent voice, which has been borrowed from many of the above. He has also taken to giving his programme contect a complete halt, and is regurgitating my blogs, and titbits (there's another word for you Pudsey) and once again trying to pass it all off as his own work (no change their then, in an attempt, 1. Avoid doing any work as per usual 2. Try his best to defend himself, although very lamely 3. Try and do the whole, well if I repeat everything she says about me, with the help of all my media wannabee mates, who laugh really loud on queue then it will somehow cancel out everything she has said about me which is accurately 'true'. 4. Oh piss off I'll be here ALL DAY LONG!! are we still playing the name game Raja? yes, you just carry on...too late to make jokes about the mummy penis isn't it? yes, thought you wouldn't be able to rehearse anything on time.
Jonathan Ross : Had big bags on his eyes and looked extremely upset about Shaherazaad's new found love of life, although an intelligent man, switched sides extremely quickly! (but maybe not now, as will need to prove something? or is that just Raja)
Rajesh Mirchandani : just avoids RajaNo1 like the plague..not surprised really, although he knows that RajaNo1 can't nick all the outreach work, as Raja is new to this field and well is not too used to the camera, he prefers being behind it (and being behind other things also, but again that's a whole other blog)
Shabana RadioXL : seems to find it incredibly amusing that all of a sudden all her Asian listeners are calling themselves RajaNo1....very nicely elaborates in Urdu something very hard for Raja.
Freddy Mercury : Is sending torture threats from the hereafter.
Many numerous BBC newsreaders: are smirking at the screen when Shaherzaad puts the telly on.
Heather Mills : Has decided to lash back and speak up against the injustice she has been facing from the British Media, and is getting huge amounts of press and support despite what fatty in the morning says. ( I will be having words with the PCT to arrange a meeting with the Big Broomcupboard Association to discuss if it really is a good idea for you to be in such a prominent position with your weight issues, as you don't seem to tie in with their new National Healthy Eating Campaign)
Nihal: Is suddenly in great demand, his career is flying off...everybody wants to interview him now.
Hugh Laurie : Same as usual. Maybe the wind changed when he first made that face.
Fern and Philip : Could possibly be progress.. but as news develops you will be the first to know, but Fern seemed to be smirking at something. Waiting for confirmation.
Jo Whiley: Day 1 was extremely hard, although she is getting used to everything now, but who really cares.
Zane Lowe: Tried to make scary 'eyes' at the screen, did the whole nostril flaring thing that Raja used to do back in the day..although that didn't work, so just presented in a really loud voice, just like Raja is probably doing right now as we speak.
Weather Girls: Find it all terribly amusing
Vicky RadioXL : Secretly finds it very funny, seemed to be presenting as if he was flying, but is trying to do the RajaNo1 spiel. Very good but not that good, as well we all know that although I may be the one dancing in my living room, I don't need to do it for a living...so no sexy Anjuman dances for two paisa for just yet. I've got my passport. But I don't mind Vicky that much. I's switch sides very quickly if I were you, I know you're an intelligent guy.
RajaNo1 : He needs constant updates, as there is constant activity, even if it is the same content, repeated again, and again, and again, and again. He is suffering greatly, though putting on a very brave face, which is extremely commendable, and he deserves a shiny stick on Star on his Maths book, and a cube of sugar for all the needle activities he has had to endure through this terrible trial. Raja is now using the 'god' card, and making General and Army jokes after playing songs, can you think why he would be doing this?
Mr Moore : He said can you leave me out of this please, I never did like Maths anyway.
Trigger: He is on my side obviously.
Suzanne and Nick, and all of Midlands Today : Suzanne Verdi is being ironic, and is wearing Yellow, as a sign of her irony, and deep rooted hatred towards RajaNo1.
Sinenna Miller : Has touched upon the idea of women emporing themselves, although we never know who she will give allegiance to, as we don't know much about her. This is a BIG one and it is very important to see whose side she will take. America entered the War very late anyway.
RajaNo1: Has plastered pictures on his site, and once again is using the 'she very pretty' card, not sexy though, because that would mean I;m a big sleazo, like my predesessor Ray Cokes...I'm so bothered, but I'll finish off my sentence with 'I can't be bothered with that' ...when in reality he is. He has put on his 'grumpy gloomy' voice again. I think he gets tired after three hours, it's hard at this age.
Ray Cokes : Piss off you turd! Might I suggest you put of pics of giant turds on your Facebook, instead of other pics people have seen again, and again, and again, and again. 'Rip' me off again all you really will RIP.
Soceity of Turds : We would be extremly happy to have you on board. You can contact us on www.turd.com and send us pictures of yourself, instead of others who obviously don't want your attention. We will be happy to make you our Honorary Turd! How does that sound to you? An excellent propostion, instead of fighting a battle you will most definately lose.
Rihanna : He should learn to admit his mistakes, although it's better that Dr Dre doesn't find out at his cheap attempts to uise his music for his own defence purposes.
Facebook: Aren't you a bit old for all of this Facebook malarkey..sorry we put you down in the Jim Daniels section.
Aurengzeb Liaquat : I better not bend down!
Asjaad Nazhir, Eastern Spye Newspaper: No comment, see my archives.
Mr Moore : Who the fuck is this RajaNo1 anyway? Well he stop skulking around. Weirdo. Trap him in the long Physics refridgerator along with fellow geek Andrew Whitehouse.
Hansdworth Grammar, 'Grove Lane' : We apologise for the level of 'intelligence' of our students. We try our best to breed adults and send them off to the real world, but sometimes this doesn't always work. The usually end up in Abbey College, MPW or a mental institute. obviously RajaNo1 isn't getting the proper care he needs at the moment, so we are asing for you all to be very patient with him, until he 'gets' help.
The ONE SHOW: Are generally getting on with things, and don't seem so stressed, although never miss an oppurtunity to make a 'quick' joke at his expense.
Micheal Winner : A swe speak the 'Calm down Love it's only a commercial is being edited to..calm down RajaNo1..it's only a commercial.
Shaerazaad : Don't you fucking try and intimidate me again...calm down just a joke.
Freddy and Tupac : Mr Z is waiting for you.
James Whale and Co : Although initially encouraging the uprising, sneakily keep switching sides, but Shaerzaad has used them anyway, so doesn't care.
Signed
Your dushman
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