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'Spot' the Difference...come on mummy, what more do you need in life?

Hello..it's me RajaNo1 the best stalker in town, and I'm the man with a plan! (which is always easy to breakdown by that bitch Sharezaad)

I will write in Italics, as this is to convey my sensitive 'i love mummy' voice after yesterdays explosion.

'Molesy' has been slating me again, in fact yesterday was awful...everybody is laughing at me, and mummy is not talking to me...do you think the penis present was a bad idea? I mean we gave her a choice of 3 didn't we? That's more penis's that she's seen in her entire life, more than Shaherzaad anyway!! Anyway, today's priority is to basically try and come back on her comments, by a 'foolproof' carefully rehearsed script, which tries it's hardest to sound 'natural' and 'of the cuff'...i'm also doing the whole 'play with words' thing again,(wish I could but words don't have a bum, unlike me I have 3, one is always mistaken for my slaphead) and make sure i make 'points' of reference to all of Shaherzaad's insults such as calling my girlfriend Rose, as in 'Rosemary West'. Then i go even further, and put my temper vioce on, and say that you shouldn't go into certian supermarkets as you need to be fashionable, and that 'Rosemary' will fit in great there...obviously i've forgotten my muffin coat days WANDA...(for those of you who don't know, please see DESIDNA archives when I used to fancy Shaherzaad, and basically ripped her grey wooley coat, but went one step further, and decided to it 'designer' style, and buy one with 'gloves' attached to the sleeves...YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS ONE TO BELIEVE IT!!! THIS IS TV GOLD)these were my pre-sex days you see, and also I have been really hurt today, as there were a few 'fashion' comments on This Morning today...which sounded strangely like me. I must stop wearing all my zip up cardigans these days, and take influence from Rosemary who's immaculate dress sense has captivated me..(not that it takes much anyway, I mean it's not as if I know the difference) So you see this is the real reason why I have to put my 'temper' voice on and point fun at someone else, because of my past.

I was going to put on the 'I like you just the way you are song on again' and mention it was 12inch again, and think that was really funny. ..but might just drop that one as it will remind me of the 'jhoothi's' last night, and my mummy's very embarrased face...i still can't think why she got so upset, i mean isn't that what all the lonely women want anyway? yeah, that and me apparently..well my face does like the back piece of someone's anatomy doesn't it? I don't need to be a real man anyway, as I'm just one long, talking, walking phallic symbol (yeah ficking right says Shaherzaaad)

I just don't know how the hell I'm gonna come back from the crap that happened yesterday, I need at least 24 hours notice, so me and the team can rehearse the right 'lines' (no not those type of lines, but don't worry I've had my supply for today...which may just last me till..3:30..then my gloomy voice comes back on..please feel sorry for me..)

So upset have I been that Rajesh has been ignoring me, I'll try and change it all around by making fun of those 'asians' who get excited when an Asian is on the telly...ooh how clever!! That way Rajesh won't notice I'm after all his outreach work, and maybe, just maybe..may just overlook the fact that I've based my entire career ripping him off. ..

Sorry, i better start breaking up the text again, as Rosemary has left her bifoculs in the dungeon..well actually that's not true I was wearing them for a moment..just round about the time my glass eye fell out...the laser only hit one eye, it got distracted by Rosemary crack hole hair she's desperately trying to not bring attention to. If only laser treatment could zap a sweaty crackhole as well as just hair!

Anyway, have you noticed that my 'alter ego's' (Notice Wax, please mention the word Alter Ego in a sarcastic way, to sort of desperately try and cancel out the pain I'm in at the moment, as people can now see through my bullshit) are really a reflection of everything I'm trying to hide, and not what I want 'to be' 'I have Rosemary for that'...I mean notice how I keep having a pop at typical Asian guys, when that's what I am myself, obviously forgot the Market Stall customer Service days in the BullRing (yes, a family business, selling countless Joe Bloggs nastiness, that only freshies would wear..oh and me and Catman of course, we loved the cheap Polyester roll neck tops...now that's Style! But it's ok, because me and Catman were allowed one designer top, a black one by Nina Ricci, which we'd both have to share. I'd wear it one week, wash it and then Catman would wear the same top for weeks and go to St Philips and try his hardest to fit in with the designer clad Asians..those were tough days, and we would really appreciate if you could forget about those days...well now that I've got my archives, I can point the finger at other people, who genuinely don't give as shit about my opinion..oh well as long as I've got paid staff to rely on, and laugh on queue, everything will be just fine) Actually that's a thought Wax, must remember to make some jokes about someone's past, or lack of fashion, not like me and Catman (whose name was inspired because he wore shoes from the famous shoe designer : CATERPILLAR, hemce the name CatMan) because he really wanted people to know, he was 'really' rich, and wore Caterpillar, and 'really' wasn't a Mirpuri. It was quite tragic really, as everyone really, really fucking hated him, but you know, as long as people know that I wear Caterpillar shoes, they will obviously overcome their inner hatred for me, because we're rich.

Bit like Ali G really. Don't worry, Catman is an entire Storybook of jokes, and that will be saved for another time.

Anyway, me and that other girl are in the BBC studios practising our 'fake laugh' really, really hard. We are also practising our 'Jo Whiley' special which entails pretending we have made a really, really 'funny' joke, and then I say something like 'shut up you'..it's another one of our intimidation tactics, and it is not really working very well..but on today's show, I will try my hardest not to let my gloomy voice come back on. Maybe MC Raa could help me this time...obviously being Adil Ray has carries no respect these days, so maybe my 'Alter ego's' those parts of my personality I really, really want to forget about like MC Raa (the rudeboy who works in Mummy's Market Stall shop, were all the TP's would visit for Saturday shopping) and Aurengzeb Liaquat, the leader of love of romance (another Freshie, who is perpetually trying to find love, and need to get laid really really badly, and could never, ever have the means to own his own sEx dUnGeON..not like me though..)

Anyway, time is nearly up for the show to start, and I've put my 'all' into todays show. ..we've already compiled a list of 'fake' names, our 'fake' laugh,standby 'fake' callers just like our mate 'Jo Whiley'...and ton's of references to the BLOG OF THE CENTURY, but repeating the same in content in a sarcastic way, and timing it smothly with our 'fake' laugh. Yes, a normal day in the life of Adil Ray. Yes, I'm using my real name today, as yesterday's topic on 'names' has backfired. All that's left today is to mention 'pretty' girls on air, or have a live link with 'Rosemary' just to try my hardest to make Shaherazaad jealous.

Anyway, maybe today's show will make me forget about the pain Shaherzaad is putting me through..today I'll pick on other topics.

Anyway bye,bye

Adil Ray (i'll just use MC Raa to admit I'm a Mirpuri because I'm still to ashamed to admit it, although with my 'temper' voice on again, as I'm pissed that Shaherazaad is making me admit to things)

Love you Mummy xxx Rosemary said she'll draw you another one with her Crayola's. I think the reason why she's upset is because Mummy is a Muslim, and well the penis didn't have a Circumcision...I'm sorry I don't know anything about my identity anyway, except for Indian films. People suggest that I just wrap up my own head and gift wrap it and offer it as a 'compensation' present...........you know a real bonafide 'phallic' symbol (luckily I know what this means now, the advantages of having a partner, not that my lonely mum would know anything about the world of love) as I do look like a 12 inch penis don't I? Come on, and my FA Cup ears, can kind of be carried off as a snipped foreskin, don't you think? We could give it a 60's theme courtesy of Rosemary's mothball infested wardrobe...what do you say Mummy?

Me and Catman can share a condom, and I can put it on my head on special occasion like Eid..it could be one of my famous pranks..one of the reasons why you love me?

Please at least think about it mummy?