PENISGATE

Shaherzaad speaks the truth! Horse back carriage for Adil the cradle snatcher! Penisgate! Lioness eating prey!

mUMMY, MummY...IT'S ME...RaJaNo1! The world's biggest pleb! mUmmY, mUmmy..let me in..mUmmy, MummY..

wHAT HAVE i DOnE? mUmMY? mUMmy? Look mummy if you don't tell me what's wrong?............................ look what it is doing to mE..ThE sTaLkEr hAnDwRitiNg iS returning? mUmmy, yOur thE sOuRCE OF aLL MY pOWERS...(YeS, I kNOw..i Don'T Have anY Hair, sO i can'T caLL HeR dELiLa..but there Is SoMeOne eLse HapPy tO aCCEpt tHat taG..she needs an identity, just like me..something more imaginative and complimentary, something more ...that evokes something a little bit more than the my everyday names which consist of names such as RajaNo1, PlebNo1, etc)

Mummy just let me and Rosemary West (child and General Baby Killer) know exactly what you thought of the present..anyway if you didn't like the present (which was my idea more than Rosemary West the child killer) than please at least let us know..spell it out Mummy!!

Anyway, I'm very happy today as I came in really, really early as Shaherazaad has been making fun of me, and I don't like it one bit...I think I will try slating her today, and then pretend that I really care about her, as now I know I'm losing this battle...but as always, I'll have to try and defend myself 'very badly'. Anyway, as I said came in really early today, and did some photocopying today and thought it would be good to sent Mummy some faxed photcopies of the penis...just in case she isn't used to a canvass, and 'fine art'.

We will start talking about smelly ladies as that will really throw off Shaherazaad today, i just know, to rub salt into her 'smelly' wounds, what I will do is talk for a really long time about smelly women, and women masking their natural scent. ..as that is her, although these days I wear my shoes in the studio whilst presenting, as you see when I first started the Big Balti Association work as a Presenter (yes, that's what they call me...and shock horror they pay me as well, is that what you call promoting shit these days then? Ok then, fine by me) I used to have this really disgusting habit I don't want any of you to know about...well ok, confessional time now (been snorting coke today, and well all my energy has gone on trying to win back some sort of respect...yep definately on the hallucinogents again...) yes, ok well the thing is I used to present my show with my shoes off, and I have really cheesy feet, and in a tiny Radio studio, the smell would 'linger' on for ages..yes I know I thought I was in the pind again...it's not an open air mansion, not like the Taj Mahal of Moseley! Yes, and also I have acrid smelling Body Odour, which has been described as smelling 'odd'..so Noreen. sorry but it was probably me who really left that smell, and it just seemed to 'linger' on for about three weeks. As per usual, I will just try and find someone to take it out on.

Although Shaherazaad is kicking my ass these days..so I will have to start behaving myself these days..and I'm getting paranoid cos she said my show is shit, and that.....worst of all ......that I play shit songs....Chris picked up on this today also..as does everyone. Plus, it means I can bring up the 'jealous' card again, you know...i'm secretly flying high that now she has bothered to listen to my show, and even discuss me...the amount of times I stalked her trying to get her to notice me..do you think that I will miss this chance? Yes, she's jealous, and I have 'really lame' proof..but Shaherzaaad knows I'm a twat, and carries on kicking my head in so I'm secretly 'grateful' for the attention. Please notice me more..please, me and Delilah are depending on it..nothing to do with the fact that I fucked up her life for four years....but thn I've always been quite self-deluded...I'm just grateful for this attention.

Today we mentioned Leona Lewis..who is pretend 'Black', according to the gospel of plebs, which I wrote.....see that's another thing I'm grateful for, Leona Lewis being a pretend 'Black' now I can feel that I have some sort of comraderie with her, if I just say she's pretend Black...yes that means there's more than one ethnic minority who has a chronic identity disorder and crisis, although again am secretly glad she's not Mirpuri because then I would really have to dig the knife in.

I'm off to the Institute of Asian Business Awards Ceremony tomorrow...whopeee... I'll tell you more about this one in the next post as I have an amazing plan.... it's the best way to bring Mummy round, but in the meantime, so happy that Shaherzaad has finally paid interest back into my life...and I'm planning on playing a track called 'somethings going on' because I am PlebNo1..

You know why I'm even more happy than usual..do you remember the Halloween programme, yes that pile of shit. Well in it, I was trying to get a refund on my 97p spooky CD. Well I was so happy that I finally got my money back(yes the entire 97p) that me and my chums went out for dinner, and guess what..so overcome was I with sheer joy, I splashed out and gave everyone a Halloween treat, and bought Bottled Water for everyone!! Who says that I'm tight!

Sniff, Sniff, lets bring on a fake Psychology student to discuss smells in the Radio studio left behind by Sonia and Co..what a shame I didn't think to ask the Psychology student to Psychoanalyse my favourite choice in aftershave : Gucci Envy, which is packaged in a Green Bottle. (you fucking prick says Shaherazaad, Gucci because you want to appear posh, and Designer clad all the time, Envy because you are 'full' of jealousy, and try to project this onto other people as per fucking usual, which looks like it's me now...yeah I'm sooo jealous of your Paedo lovelife...I'll put you on the fucking hitlist next for that you prick the colour Green represents your love of money, everything associated with beelzebub who is associated with the colour Green and is also your Dad, and bottle reminds you of 'my' ex boyf who you were totally jealous of, because he can get laid much more than you...which is only twice in your life...another thing you share with Mummy)

Let's watch Psycho everyone, that's funny..guess who's the Psycho? Shaherazaad of course...yes nothing to do with the fact the main character in the film is called Norman, who has a strange fascination with his mom...I just can't think of anyone who would have a such a strange fascination with Mummy...except for Rameses the III

Do you know, Shaherazaad named me Rameses III once upon a time? The Ancient Egyptians would sleep with their mothers and sisters. Does a sister in law count then?

I'm making a real effort to put on some Gagan type music today, but I just sound like BaltiFM.

Heather Mills is very upset that she is being hounded by the press, and my advice was shut up or put up...except for when they are slating me...then I'll threaten to kill myself! Mummy! Mummy! Shall i kill myself...now or after my run? : This was said in Mirpuri of course...I'll have to get Wax and the other one to arrange some interpretation from the Brasshouse as I am really not a Mirpuri. ..

I'm so glad Shaherzaad is talking now, yes that's a great way to sort of make her look a bit 'silly' you know all this childish 'revenge' stuff, as my 'temper' voice really didn't work, so let's play the 'she's silly' card...Of course she's nothing like me of course...i talk from 3-7, when they finally open up the gorilla zoo, which makes me really happy..as I can get off the monkey bars and have a chat with two people (who are paid to be there)..and a cup of PG Tips, as I'm trying out tea drinking these days.

Shaherzaad turned on the telly today, as per usual...and everyone is playing songs such as 'Brimful of Asha', micheal jackson 'I'm bad' and other similar themes..

Yes, I would like to have a pop at Shaherazaad again, by plagiuerising (you know what I mean, my fave passtime : copying other people) another Breakfast Presenters work, by elaborating on the Chicken Stevens joke...I obviously had yet another memory re-lapse, and forgot to remember the fact my girlfriend needs 'chicken fillets' to get through life, and has breasts like two very thinly spread fried eggs....also did the whole using my 'alter ego' to pretend I'm from anywhere apart from the M word (that's Mirpur if you don't already know, Dadyal to be exact, where the men have a reputation of being the sleaziest, which has been reprted by all the residents of Thara, another famous district of Mirpur)

Today I'm trying to pass myself as being from Karachi, as obviously if you search through all the shit which I like to call a show you can see I watched Eastenders last night....but it's ok, I took Shaherzaad's advice and am sticking to a few syllables and just a few token words to get through the language bits..but don't worry..I'll be having language lessons soon from the Brasshouse..i'll put it on Mummy's card, or try and be really cheap and try and get refunds from a few of my 'spooky' CD's. ..oh well at least I'm not selling the bootlegged CD's anymore, I've given all my business to Mo, who I wish would have a bum wax.

bYEbYE

The undisputed King of the Plebs, and Gorilla Zoo