Dermot's got something to say?

So Dermot's mouthing off again then is he? Tell him to shut up, and be grateful T4 didn't ask him to present standing up...that way we don't see the little puppet strings holding him back!

June laughs at anything anyway, so choose better company! Damn Fool! The picture conveys how I feel after listening to two minutes of T4..like death! Glad I'm winding you up though -x-

All my love, kisses and prayers for your sorry soul Dermot

Signed

Shaherazaad...It's ok I wont be listening to your responses! P.S had the pleasure of visiting your MySpace page today, which seems to confirm my opinion of you really... I know you don't write very often, but you write with your hands, not your arms, or even worse get someone else to write it all for you.

Anyway..if the Presenting Career goes down the drain, I think the NF in Colchester are looking for someone to head their local campaign, and well since you don't have much on top.

I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY? OH REALLY?

Here is a not very famous pic of Dannii Minougue in her 'Can't sell any records phase, so I'll copy Natalie Imbruglia, that other Australian, yes, that's genius idea' phase. Dannii Minogue famous for records such as......................................(please fill in the gap if you can genuinly think of one record she has recorded which was any good...actually..if you can think if one record at all)

(hello.... It's Dermot also suffering from the Wanda effect)

Hello I'm Dermot O Leary, you may know me be my guest 'appearances' on shows like Big Brother and X Factor, where I'm handed a mike for ten seconds and I get the privalege of pretending I'm a TV Presenter. I know, but I'ts ok..to dull the pain I can try and sneer at others like my bestest pal RajaNo1, who is nearly as brain dead as me. Yes, whilst I was busy pretending to be really clever, I made the fatal mistake of making a gag, invloving the song 'I should be soo lucky'! Luckily, Kylie's sister Daniel Minogue, needs a bit more publicity than me, as was therefore happy to oblige with me and my joke. Here's me and my crew, a place where I feel 'safe'...but not that 'safe' as you can see by my pose.

Haha! We thought we'd make fun of Shazaerazaad, and her 'no boyfriend' epidemic, which is more of an issue to us than it is to herself, but hey..so sorry it's the only think we can fall back on to make our pathetic excuse of a life, seem slightly more bearable. Anyway,we thought we'd be really clever and sing 'I should be soo lucky' referring of course to Shaherzaaad, and then laughing on queue. Even lip gloss lips joined in today, but these days she pushes the hair all back, realising that yes, it is a lot for the viewing public to bear...oh and she's stopped laughing like a crazy woman these days...I think she's been having some speech therapy, along with 'standaaaard' Nihal. who has now moved from South London to East London, and become a very crap Cockney.

Anyway, it was oh soo funny, but in rehearsals, we forgot to realise (because we are all clearly brain dead) that if you google in the word 'Dannii Minogue' on the internet, the search engine brings up a words which match the word 'dannii'....mostly the words 'Barren, spinster, and very, very old'

If only we had played a word association game like our mate Raja : we could have come up with those words ourselves, and also maybe if we had stretched our imagination, just a teeeny weeny bit we could have come up with a few 'ideas' ...yes original ideas, now that's a word you won't hear anytime soon on T4.

We would have also noticed that Dannii new look was very 'wannabee Elvira'...but hey, we can't think that hard, our brains begin to hurt, and there's nothing in our contract that says we have to think...just read and talk is fine...yes, Wannabee Elvira, she clearly doesn't have the 'fake' breast match just yet...but another year with X Factor and her crap judging and maybe this dream will come true.

Anyway, if we had used our brains a little bit more, we would learn to pick our fights, as Dannii and Co are the World's most famous spinsters really...there's an entire 'archive' on that one, try reading your own family history Dannii.

Oh well, you know I think I was just so overwhelmed that I was nearly the tallest one in the studio that day, what with the company of June, Dannii and Co, and of course my good self...I couldn't see how much of a real fool I was making of not only myself..but also my guests...I mean fancy reminding the entire world that 'Barren Dannii Minogue's' sister Kylie was begging for a boyfriend whilst dying with Cancer...oh well, we were so busy laughing at other people's problems, we didn't stop to realise our own did we now...but It's ok, my name's Dermot, I look like a twat, and well...I'm nearly the same size. (By the way that is actual size on the TV everyone..hey it's a good thing I work on tv isn't it...the can just about squeeze me into the television set)

Well, it's ok...if anyone messes with me about this 'gaff' well I'll just clap in tune with my crap joke, hoping my 'fake' alugh may just conceal everyone's else equally fake laugh (yes, we have to say it's a fake laugh these days, as we don't want to admit that we really find those very lame, and recycled jokes actually really, really funny...especially since I'm Dermot O Leary and well my sense of humour is obviously a cut above the rest...well the people who would watch the shit shows I present anyway, and write in and tell me I'm doing a fabulous job...oh well I think I'm in control...especially when people watch and lie, pretending they think I'm a fabulous TV presenter...just as well really, because obviously you can see I can't do a vary good job without a script and a big Possy)

Bye Bye

Don't worry Raja...I bet your proud we're representing your corner hey Raja? I know your soo happy with us....we're nearly as 'slick' as you. We just don't know what to do since that bitch Shaherazaad has been fighting back..oh well we can pull out a few Paul McCartney interviews as she is obviously a big Stella fan! Aha! See Raja...we'll sort out your issues with her, you just carry on stealing..leave her to us...although do come back, as we really, really are struggling, as it's the Dastard and Mutley effect...and guess who's matching Mutley today? You know Raja you've got to return, as you know since none of us do any work anyway, and well the pay isn't good..we need to get our job satisfaction somehow, and well since we lick your ass, please give us some more reason to do so Raja. ...we need to get the 'balance' right in our lives just like Nihal was suggesting the other day...we're all lost without you.

Sleeping Satelitte : The worldwide Raypid Eye Movement

STOP PRESS! STATE OF WORLDWIDE EMERGENCY! WORLD FALLS PREY TO OPERATION 'SLEEPING SATELLITE - R.E.M'

RayPid Eye Movement : A comatose state one enters when forced to endure listening to Adil Ray for more than three minutes without anything to break-up the time, such as a song, the sound of someone else's voice, a BBC jingle, a text or shout out, or a simple sound effect (a common ploy used on the Adil Ray Show). Exposure to his droning for more than three minutes without a break can cause serious health problems. see health problems, adil ray the twat, the meaning of true boredom, and how to fill a show with shit for three hours by Adil Ray.

The world is in a state of emergency as the forces of darkness have beamed Adil Ray's Newham 'moment/s' to planet earth. This has resulted in a world wide phenomenom, where the world has fallen into a controlled comatose state of narcolepsy. Even animals cannot escape the wrath of Adil's boring Newham moment, and the Animal Kingdom has found itself unable to shield off this state of complete sleep 'saturation' and have found that their arteries have been unable to rid the zzzzz...from their bloodstreams, thus resulting in sleep induced bloodclots, and ultimately for many MASS DEATH.

The bastard aliens found out about the 'source of all darkness and boredom' whilst eavedropping on earth's radiowaves, when they came across his voice one day. They then googled for any evidence of this 'weapon of mass destruction' on YOUTUBE and found the 'Newham' interview. It was all downhill after that, as the Bastard Aliens now have a weapon with very little cure against the entire human race.

Mulder and Scully have been sent to investigate, and the police are currently questioning Sonia Deol to ascertain her level of involvement in this 'conspiratorial plot' against the human race, to see if it really was a genuine mistake, or whether her and 'Darth Vader' on EARTH are really out to get us all, and why? What have we done to deserve this? What was so bad, that we deserve this punsishment?

Questions will be raised about the Balti Broomcupboard Corporation as we speak. Does Sonia's silence in this interview mean she has everybody's blood on her hands? Does her apathy mean she has equal blame for this, if not more blame, as she obviously has more sense than the biggest twat of the earth? Can we cite her as responsible for this tyranny on the earth? Was she part of the plot? Part of the Masterplan? Maybe Darth Vader had been bribing her?Maybe PlebNo1 was slipping a bit of 'black money' into the pigeon hole (no not your mouth Four Eyes, that's another blog says Shaherazaad...I'm not finished with you yet) Was she simply a long suffering woman, who's slience really meant : SOS? Did she leave her 'I'm with this idiot' top at home? Maybe we shall never know? Does it really matter? Are the bastard Aliens laughing there heads off? Were they both duped by the bastard Aliens? Is Adil Ray really Darth Vader's love child, and not Beelzebub, as we previously thought? Maybe he is half alien, and was sent on earth to bore the fuck out of everyone, in order to make the New World Order something we would actually welcome with open arms, just so we could get away from his droning and annoying T shirts for more than 5 minutes? What is really going on in the Taj Mahal of Moseley?

The Reith lectures are being adapted to change these new developments as we speak! The Whitehouse has declared the World as a being trapped 'in a state of emergency', and George Bush has held talks with Osama, so he can lend him a cave that he and Condeleeza can crawl into as the pressure of the new threat to World Peace'(his droning) is simply too much, and anyway, George and Condy have always been fond of Afghan tea anyway. They will all sit in an Afghan cave for a while, and work out a solution to this new 'weapon of mass destruction' and Osama says he knows plenty of ways of staying awake anyway, starting with some of his afghan brew.

We have raised the White Flag but it may be no good. Yes folks there may well be yet ANOTHER interview by the man himself. The nation and the world goes shopping for ear plugs as we speak. And why does Adil Ray bear an extremely strange uncanny likeness to every single Alien picture you will ever google on the internet. Try it and you will see.

We would like to wish the human race the best of luck in this time of deep distress.

Signed

The Journalist from the Big Bastard Corporation for Aliens also known as the B.B.C.(a) the impartial news choice for all Aliens across the Universe.

Those drongo's at Newham Council, if only they hadn't have given him the airtime he soo desperately craves all year long, maybe those bastard Aliens would never have found out how to kill off the human race.

STOP PRESS! THE KEY TO ETERNAL SLEEP! CURE FOR INSOMNIA! A MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH!

YouTube - Adil Ray & Sonia Deol at Newham Under Stars 2007

Memo from Shaherazaad : Click on the above link to see the biggest twat of the 21st Century make a complete fool of himself once again. He has mistaken his 'Newham Council' moment as a slot on Newsnight...DICKHEAD

However all is not what it seems as this pile of shit has other uses. Watch him drone on for more than a minute about how is is Adil Ray 'the nice guy' and you'll see that his contribution to Newham Council has extremely good 'sedative' type properties, and could be just the ticket for people suffering from chronic insomnia or chronic depression. No need to get the National Express just yet then.

HOWEVER PLEASE BE WARNED AS OVER EXPOSURE TO ADIL RAY'S NEWHAM COUNCIL SPEECH, LIKE ALL GOOD SLEEPING PILLS CAN RESULT IN PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE, UNCONSCIOUSNESS, CAN INDUCE A PERMANENT COMA, OR IN EXTREME CASES CAN EVEN RESULT IN DEATH. HOWEVER FOR THE SAKE OF HUMOUR, OR PERHAPS FOR THE PURPOSE OF SCHAZENFRAUDE IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT A TINY PROPORTION OF THE FILM IS WATCHED AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR, IN ORDER TO TRULY COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. CHRISTMAS IS A GOOD TIME TO START.

Regards from

Shaherazaad.

Picture Image

Hello, it's me PlebNo1!!

Please take a look at my photo, then scroll down and read my previous piece of creative writing titled You Tube : Rainbow, and then click on the Youtube link, after you have read my bollocks perspective on life, come back and look at the picture above.

It's a little psychological experiment, and it will make you understand exactly why they are now calling me TwatNo1 as opposed to PlebNo1, which it seems is not conveying the true feelings people are harbouring for me, and my new found social status.

I'm sure you will be enlightened as to the real reason why I have been given the title of TwatNo1.

Bye Bye

For all porno watchers like myself, do you think my name has a double meaning, or does it mean I am a twat in the metaphorical sense of the word. We need a raincloud for my musings don't we? Maybe Bungle can get the crayolas out and draw me one...and I'll use that a million times in my blog.

PS : Feel free to print off this picture of me, and throw darts at it for fun, it seems that it will get to that stage soon anyway, so I may as well begin the pretend to invite the mutiny with open arms, as my grumpy voice is simply not working.

YouTube - rainbow

YouTube - rainbow

Hello everybody guess who, yes it's me PlebNo1, the world's first and foremost plebber, plebbing around as per usual, broadcasting more bullshit, and generally inspiring people smack someone or voluntarily jump off a cliff after listening to 10 minutes of what I like to call a 'radio show'!!

Anyway, enough about me, let's think about the 'kids'.

You know all this sex dunGeOn shenanigans really made me think. What about the kids, I mean what about them? Because I am a 'modern' Pakistani now, and I know exactly how to pull off living in Britain, and not be classed as an 'ethnic' anymore, I thought I'd be really, really middle class, and take a moment to ponder about the meaning of life.

Whilst thinking about the meaning of life, and why we are here, I knew there's no way I'm ever gonna work that one out, so I turned to a topic more on my 'level' and then I just had to ask the question...excatly how did we get here. Of course this gave me yet another reason to think about the sEx dUnGeOn.

Well, that's when I started to remember the sEx dUnGeOn and how left out 'Reiss' and Co must have felt with their Crayola's and pot paint..I mean I think it's basically time to introduce them to the 'facts of life' and break them in gently about the Birds and the Bees, since me and Reiss are nearly on the same level of intellect anyway, and it would be good to share this bountiful knowledge with my dear Son whose name is Reiss (which means 'to copy' in Urdu, again not that I would know this..). Plus I am a 'secret' yet real bonafide Mirpuri (a Raja Chouwdery to be exact) and well, many of us in the pind like to rear our children as 'fully' grown adults at the age of 3. Yes, it's very telling of our culture, and our kids can be seen regurlarly talking back to fully grown adults, as this is the Choudary way you see. Choudary by name, Choudery by nature. When we came to England, we thought we could pass of this part of our culture as something new and 'breakthrough'...and of course the nice English people who want to be 'open minded' embrace it with open arms.

Anyway me and my crew, all got together and since we're sooo artistic thought we'd make a little Sex Education video, plenty of innuendo's which I should think will make Reiss and Co chuckle. Yes, I'm the one on the far Right, and two guesses who played Bungle?? Yes, as you can see it was inspired by our general life, and yes, there are references to the sEX dUnGeOn.

Me and Bungle are palnning a second sex education tape, and because she is such a good artist, we are planning to do play tribute to Tony Hart. Bungle says that I should play Morph as I am 'Morph' by name and also nature, and by the looks of it by image also... but I think the same about her too, so we were a bit undecided on this one...but I win, as I resemble definately resemble Morph in terms of general facial features, as it is clear to see that both me and Morph gereally look like walking, talking turds. Anyway, we finally agreed she would be better suited to playing Tony Hart as she is an artist, and well, I do bear an uncanny resemblance to the 'Morphster' himself. She says she'll have a full body shave on the day of filming, so I was secretly relieved as I would only have to tell her to get a 'full body' anyway, and well you know this is a sensitive topic, and we always seem to have a domestic about it, even though she pretends it's about something else.

Anyway, hope you like our work of 'art'...


Bye Bye

PlebNo1

Bandit Queen

Here is a picture of 'Phoolan Devi' India's favourite Bandit Queen.

Famous for 'fighting' for her human rights, and chopping up penis of inafamous 'war' and 'gang' lords...

Be afraid RajaNo1 be very afraid....she especially loves to hunt the blood of 'village' folk, just like yooooo.......

GUESS WHO GETS A FLOGGING TONIGHT?

Right time to execute justice.

You pile of shit, from now on if me, or anybody I know does anything wrong it's all your fault, and you will take the blame. Just like all Asian housewife's or voluntary slaves, if anything goes wrong in my life, or something bad will happen, I will come home and you will pay my punishment for me.

I've warned you so many times that I will get the HUNTER out, and today you've gone a step too far, making me upset Samina and Shilpa. This is what you get, for upsetting Samina!

Your dead you piece of shit, BITCHBASTARD!!

TAKETHAT, AND THAT, AND THAT!!

TONIGHT WE WILL SEE YOUR BLOOD, AND SEND YOUR VILE REMAINS TO SHILPA AND DM SAMINA....

CRETIN...THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, AND FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, YOU WILL TAKE THE BLAME FOR EVERYTHING NOT ONLY IN MY LIFE BUT EVERYBODY ELSE'S LIFE TOO, YOU PILE OF DROSS!!

I'D DRAG YOU BY THE HAIR TO THE DM DIGITAL STUDIOS IF YOU BLOODY HAD ANY, SO SLOWLY I WILL CUT YOUR HEART OUT WITH A SPOON, AND PULL OUT ALL YOUR ENTRAILS AND FEED THEM TO THE DOGS.

YOU LIKE PLAYING DARTS DO YOU RAJA? HEY? WELL HOW ABOUT WE PUT THE BULLEYE ON YOUR FOREHEAD AND AIM THERE, IT'S DEFINATELY BIG ENOUGH! HARAMI, KUTHA..ZALEEL INSAAN..SHAITAAN KI AULAAD

SET THE ROTTWELIERS FREE, FEED HIM TO THE LIONS! IF MY MOTHER IN LAW HAS ANY MORE 'ISSUES' WITH YOU RAJA, YOU'RE DEAD.

KNOW YOUR PLACE AS AN ASIAN HOUSEWIFE..YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ANY RIGHTS OK? ANY MORE OF YOUR CLEVER POLITICS AND YOU SEE WHAT WE ALL DO TO YOU.

Signed

Shaherazaad

PUBLIC APOLOGY FOR SHILPAGATE

Dear avid readers,

As you may already be aware there has been a lot of 'activity' and dramabaazi going on today, in particular between my brainwaves and DM Digital, the 'first lady' of DM Digital Samina Khan, to be exact. The incident occured when Samina was presenting DM Digital 'very confidently'. I took this as a clue to her secretly laughing behind my back, and then went to SPAR, and began plotting war on my return from SPAR.

On arrival of my humble abode I turned DM Digital back on to continue with my 'revenge' plots, and was greeted with an interview with Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty (yes, Shilpa you fool Jade, by the way, don't worry my mum can't get your name right either...introducing Jadey to the Big Brother house).

Anyway, not wanting to miss an oppurtunity I behaved in an extremely childish manner, and began making 'punching' gestures at the screeen, and began a 'barrage' of insults through my brainwaves..which we're not very pleasant, and bordering on the pathological, racist, and the very ignorant. This didn't help that Shilpa was dying to laugh as I continued, but I think she understood that I was merely pulling a P.R stunt for my 'piece de resitance' bit of creative writing, and also I think she understood that I was behaving in a very 'besharam' way, and I'm sure understands that it will take some time for the Badmashi energy which now surges through my body to settle down, and sink into my bloodcells, my bloodcells also find all this 'kanjaree' energy very alien..

I merely wanted to 'work out' whether Samina and Shilpa were aware of my brainwaves in the same way that Fern and Philip could hear me...and also wanted to plug my website which is http://www.stalk4u.blogspot.com/. I switched on the telly again later on and it looked as if Samina DM Digital had been crying, and I never wanted to hurt your feelings, there's only one person I want to kill, and I think we all know who that is.

Anyway, hope that is ok, and I'm sorry about my besharm behaviour, as I am new to this world, I am getting quite excited at the moment, and I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry, and I will now see to it that the 'real' culprit gets his punishment. There will be some flogging going on tonight for the real culprit.

Signed

Shaherazaad

i said don't call me SHAZ, you fool

Shaerazaad says : If I ever hear you call me Shaz again you fucking fool, I'll come down and throw more than Tomatoes on you at your prissy awards ceremony. Piece of shit.

Here's a picture of a turd, because you are one. I'm sure it'll match your DESIDNA!

And here's another picture of you, PILE OF SHIT, just in case you 'STILL' can't see the resmeblance. SHITHEAD

And DON'T CALL ME SHAZ!!

Return of the King

Attahullah Khan Essakhelvi (the true King of the Mirpuri's)

Hello it's me RajaNo1 the undisputed King of the Mirpuri's..

I've decided I want to be a Mirpuri today after listening in to my mates Khaleel and Shafiq -ul- Zaman Gori on RadioXL...

I was soo happy, me and mummy danced in the Kitchen, and we felt so free. .., but it's getting harder and harder to prove I am a 'real' bonafide Mirpuri, as Mummy's ditched the Parandha, she snipped off her hair and swapped it in exchange of some golf clubs, when we moved into the Taj Mahal of Moseley....but it seems someone is after my title that i have fought long and hard for! I am the true King of The Mirpuri's!

Yes, it's true, my whole demeanour saddened, and a rain cloud entered my mind's eye...It seems that the 'real' King of the Mirpuri's is back, and he's making a guest appearance at none other than 'Pak Supermarket'!!!

How could this happen to me? I mean I've spent so much time 'stalking' people, and doing the usual typo Paki male stuff they do, such as discuss cleaning detergents on my Radio show, then all of a sudden try and morph into a real man, and tell Pauline Fowler she's got a face like a slapped arse, which is what all 'real' men do. ..well that's what all the Pakistani typo men do anyway, and I was just following their lead, that's all (I'm putting on my meek voice now, but I think I'll ditch the crocodile tears, until Mummy's mates return, and then I'll threaten to kill myself again, to get some more attention)

I'm so threatened by the real 'King' of the Mirpuri's return, that I'm just beside myself, oh well I know what will cheer me up, I'll just check to see what Shaerzzzad is doing, even though she tells me to 'fock off' generally every two minutes, but I know that she is concealing her true love for me, and if I wait around long enough, I'm sure she'll one day change her mind (in the meantime, I can pretend it's the other way round)

You see this is the problem, the reaction the 'real' king of the Mirpuri's, the 'Prince of the Pathoir' has on all the Pakistani's....it's phenomenol (one of my Grammar School words, which I take great pride in).................................... Until now, I've usurped his title, but he will be back, and I don't like it one bit, as I've fooled all the Pakistani's, and also managed to fool unsespecting White folk, that I 'really' have this effect, but what they don't know is that there is a vaccum in their hearts, and I try to fill it with all my usual dross, and crap...and they let me into their hearts, because 'Kameez teri kalee Attahullah Khan Essakhelvi' has dissappeared. (See i told you that us Mirpuri's invented the Double Barrell name)..and I'm the only Mirpuri they can trust, well sort of anyway 9especially when I put on my sensitive voice)

I mean I even went as far as call myself 'RajaNo1'..so sure was I that he will never return, but the real King is back for his worldwide Supermarket tour...what will I do? He doesn't even bother with the 'sewing' factories..so me and mummy can't even lure him into our web, and pretend to befirend him, and then stab him in the back when he is not looking...

Oh well I can try and bake a cake, because my life is so drab, and even my much coveted title of 'King of the Mirpuri's' is about to slip away from my finger licking good fingers..which are not fish fingers by the way...humph (I said the last bit in my really violent voice, the one that makes people think that I have the upper hand..well it works on Wax and Pushpaben anyway)

Oh dear, all this 'King' talk is really getting me down...as my act is beginning to dimish..I can't even sing the 'show must go on' song, because of the threats from the hereafter..

Signed

The Village Idiot, and 'not the real King of the Mirpuri's'

BEETLE PLAYING DEAD

here is a picture of a beetle playing dead.

My next political move, as it's all going horribly wrong...although I feel better because me and mummy baked some cakes yesterday...yes, good news she is talking to me again. Although I will save the fundraising until Mother's Day.

Bye bye,

PlebNo1 (sorry I missed my usual intro : hello it's me PlebNo1 as Sheherzaad is really after my blood, so I can't keep pretending that she fancies me, becuase I don't think girls that fancy you threaten to 'ruin' your presenting gig at the Asian Business Awards, nope really starting to see that she doesn't really like yours truly...she was plannning to turn up and throw tomatoes at my face, she even spoke to the organisers and I know she'll do it underneath all the bravado that I put on for my minions to believe...oh well will have to play the beetle card, as she is following me round with a really big stick! Like Perwez Musharraf she has also imposed a 'state of emergency' on the state, and has stepped up to kick my ass, in light of recent developments and says it is for the 'good' of humanity)

My 'z' list celeb mates will stick up for me as usual, as they have nothing to fall back on like me, I mean it's not as if most of us have a real 'inner' person to fall back on when the going get's tough, so like most 'true' devils we will rally up at these times of crisis and help out..except for the ones who can see through me, and have come to realise that I'm just a big fucking twat...who bakes cakes with Mummy when times get tough, and especially when I haven't got my studio, and 'paid' Balti Broomcupboard Confederation colleagues to 'titter' on queue to my bad jokes to help me out when in I've got myself into a 'tight' spot. ..which I caused all by myself, and only have myself to blame.

Signed

The Village Idiot

NO SHOW FOR THE ASIAN BUSINESS AWARDS

There's Arun Bajaj MD of RadioXL and on my blog representing the IAB as he is the head of it, that is a picture of a lion killing prey and that is Shaherzaaad eating me up for breakfast which is every two minutes now it seems, and this is me playing dead when she is on the prowl to extract my blood once again. Sorry Arun for my 'no show', Shaerzaad was planning some drama, which involved some squashed tomatoes and an 'aim', which was my face. I will now look to the beetle above for help and inspiration, as Rajesh is not telling me what to do.

Sinned

PlebNo1... still in denial that this is really really happening...will have to play the 'beetle' card as my next cunning move -x-

Goody gumdrops...time for my big moment with all the Asian businessmen.

Arun Bajaj 'MD' of RadioXL fame, and IAB chairman..they have three tables you know...Maybe he can supply me and my ex-boyf Omar some with an extra million pounds to fund out toilet roll business. ..also looking to open my own Radio station, so maybe Arun can help me. To the far left is my money can, that I have 'downloaded' from the internet.

JD from RadioXL fame...a picture of him a very fetching wig. I will definately be hobnobbing with JD tonight to discuss wig styles, and were I can get a good 'deal' on a good quality wig...not that I'm bald or anything of course..

Hello everybody, guess who? Yes, it's me PlebNo1, plebbing around as per usual, forcing everyone to slate me, and generally tell me to piss off..

Anyway, who cares about all the above........I've ironed my shirt (all by myself) and have made sure the sleeves are really crisp, and have washed my face (all by myself) although I did use the bottle of spit mummy left for me on my bedroom table before PENISGATE.

Anyway, I'll have to make an excellent impression today, in front all the financial big wigs, as I really would like to have my own Radio station (once again copying Shaerazaad ideas, and passing them off as my own, and also because I have to desperately raise some funding for Mummy's Penisfund, which will help similar old bats like Mummy to have their very own 'bonafide' penis, to have and to hold forever more)

I will definately try and raise some funds today, and hopefully have told their organisers to set up a raffle, and am not averse to going round all the tables in the ICC and collecting funds myself. It will mean I get a chance to introduce myself as the 'z' list celebrity whose pile of shit you will have to endure for the next couple of hours..oh well RadioXL will be there, and well I could chat to them, and slag off Shaerzaad, and maybe get into Shabana's good books again. so she stops encouraging RadioXL listeners to insult me, and come on air callling themselves 'Raja' (which means Prince in Hindi)...she seems to find this extremely amusing, so maybe I can play the 'I'm a good person' now card....oh well at least Shaherzaad won't be there, cos at the moment I'm playing the 'play dead' game, which means I'll pretend to be of no harm, then wait till she forgets to kick my head in then start on her all over again......ohh haaa haaa heee heee...I can start on her again today, and she won't know a thing!! Aren't I so clever? She is trying to ruin my performance today, so I'll inform all the security, because I don't want to lose face in front of all that walking talking money....

I think in line with Children in Need, I would like to set my own bit of fundraising, inspired of course by Mummy, it will be called : PENIS IN NEED. ...how original is that? I could set up my own blog, just like this one.

Yes, PENIS IN NEED will be set up for all the lonely wives out there just like Mummy, who have never had a real penis, to have and to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health. We will also set up a carers account also, which aims to help all the young Male carers just like me, who have to dance with Mummy at weddings, and attend the odd funeral with her, because Daddy is off galavanting with the Lilo Lil's of this world!! Isn't that a fabulous idea? Wow, I'm a real genius aren't I? It's a good thing I'm so effeminate isn't it? Now I too can do something with the powers given to me at birth...instead of trying to be Rajesh, Rosemary and Shaherzaad all day long.

I will make fun of Shaz today, so eveyone laughs, and I can get some dutch courage...then I can come into the studio on monday, and try and sound as if I'm presenting the show with my legs wide open, just like what a 'real' man sounds like...how wonderful!

Shaherzaad is being clver and bringing up my past, well humph she has a past too you know, yes I know all about it and will exploit it even though she's told me she doesn't give a shit anymore, put I'll put my 'grey' coat on again, and use the nifty stuck on gloves, and do my 'counting' to a million to dull out her voice in my head, and pretend really, really hard that I didn't hear that one!!

Anyway, i hope I make lots of money tonight for the plight of my mummy, and other mummies xxx

World War III

Hello it's me plebNo1!! (here are my celeb mates, there's Miquita doing some Yoga, and Steve Jones..without his Acne breakout today, that he shaves over from time to time.... when he's depressed you can see he's had to shave over his acne

, and has left 'marks'.on his skin which Channel 4 forces on us on weekend mornings..not that I have that problem, as I'm just one big spot)

Well would you look at this...

I think I better give this blog things a bit of a rest, as I knew that many 'z' list celebs like me, who get paid for doing what seems like very little ....are getting very upset....I mean Steve Jones and Miquita are really in a bad mood today, but Shaz put on the telly just whilst they were in the middle of one of their very 'clever' put downs, you know the ones that come up with...and seem to throw around at everyone apart from themselves,......mind you when it comes down to

hurling abuse at Steve and Co we've got the viewing public to do that, the type that don't write in and say hello Steve and Miquita 'your soo great'..no the type of viewing public who just hate you enough 'not' to write in and let you know what they think...

Seems they can't take a joke, but you know what...I'm surprised they are trying to get at

Shaerzaaad...they are more bothered than me. ..oh well the extra support will help me get some courage and bravery again..maybe I'll start again on Monday's show.

Looks like I really am a 'captain' aren't I? Got my minions to do my dirty work, and I don't even have to ask....It's me PlebNo1 and General Alpha Male, wow, all that for doing no 'real' work..

Steve's 'I'm in control laugh' was a real treat though...yes I know you've got an imagination as vivid as mine to think that you have won so easily Steve, pick your fights next time, or you'll be in a worse position than me..

..Shazerazaad says she's happy you've found the strength and will to continue with life again though....tell you what, you can regurgitate this blog on your next 300 shows if your contract lasts that long...the Sienna sick joke was hilarious, I'm sure she's really,really hurt, and couldn't see your foolproof tactics. ...Actually Steve was making sick 'jokes' about Sinenna which reminded me of how the viewing public feels having to wake up on an empty stomach, and see him with his spotty breakout...thank god this only happens once every decade or so.

Yes, its me PlebNo1..and guess I'm soo happy my Plebby mates are nearly (just nearly) as clever as me!! Maybe they can put on some songs about 'jealousy' which is obviously what Shaerazaad is clearly suffering from xx

Its ok, Vernon is trying the same games today, but he's ok Vernon, not too much trouble, except when he 'finally' realises that he's got to stand up for his celeb mates...and has sat there for ages, not even a punch for Shaherazaad..must of been distracted by the 'chicken' sandwich, which I presume is made of chicken fillets.

very strange, all this fighting talk...i thought you all had a sense of humour,...obviously not then.....

Anyway back soon with my fundraising proposal and my speech...for the Institute of Asian Business Awards.

Bye Bye

Sinned PlebNO1...

PENISGATE

Shaherzaad speaks the truth! Horse back carriage for Adil the cradle snatcher! Penisgate! Lioness eating prey!

mUMMY, MummY...IT'S ME...RaJaNo1! The world's biggest pleb! mUmmY, mUmmy..let me in..mUmmy, MummY..

wHAT HAVE i DOnE? mUmMY? mUMmy? Look mummy if you don't tell me what's wrong?............................ look what it is doing to mE..ThE sTaLkEr hAnDwRitiNg iS returning? mUmmy, yOur thE sOuRCE OF aLL MY pOWERS...(YeS, I kNOw..i Don'T Have anY Hair, sO i can'T caLL HeR dELiLa..but there Is SoMeOne eLse HapPy tO aCCEpt tHat taG..she needs an identity, just like me..something more imaginative and complimentary, something more ...that evokes something a little bit more than the my everyday names which consist of names such as RajaNo1, PlebNo1, etc)

Mummy just let me and Rosemary West (child and General Baby Killer) know exactly what you thought of the present..anyway if you didn't like the present (which was my idea more than Rosemary West the child killer) than please at least let us know..spell it out Mummy!!

Anyway, I'm very happy today as I came in really, really early as Shaherazaad has been making fun of me, and I don't like it one bit...I think I will try slating her today, and then pretend that I really care about her, as now I know I'm losing this battle...but as always, I'll have to try and defend myself 'very badly'. Anyway, as I said came in really early today, and did some photocopying today and thought it would be good to sent Mummy some faxed photcopies of the penis...just in case she isn't used to a canvass, and 'fine art'.

We will start talking about smelly ladies as that will really throw off Shaherazaad today, i just know, to rub salt into her 'smelly' wounds, what I will do is talk for a really long time about smelly women, and women masking their natural scent. ..as that is her, although these days I wear my shoes in the studio whilst presenting, as you see when I first started the Big Balti Association work as a Presenter (yes, that's what they call me...and shock horror they pay me as well, is that what you call promoting shit these days then? Ok then, fine by me) I used to have this really disgusting habit I don't want any of you to know about...well ok, confessional time now (been snorting coke today, and well all my energy has gone on trying to win back some sort of respect...yep definately on the hallucinogents again...) yes, ok well the thing is I used to present my show with my shoes off, and I have really cheesy feet, and in a tiny Radio studio, the smell would 'linger' on for ages..yes I know I thought I was in the pind again...it's not an open air mansion, not like the Taj Mahal of Moseley! Yes, and also I have acrid smelling Body Odour, which has been described as smelling 'odd'..so Noreen. sorry but it was probably me who really left that smell, and it just seemed to 'linger' on for about three weeks. As per usual, I will just try and find someone to take it out on.

Although Shaherazaad is kicking my ass these days..so I will have to start behaving myself these days..and I'm getting paranoid cos she said my show is shit, and that.....worst of all ......that I play shit songs....Chris picked up on this today also..as does everyone. Plus, it means I can bring up the 'jealous' card again, you know...i'm secretly flying high that now she has bothered to listen to my show, and even discuss me...the amount of times I stalked her trying to get her to notice me..do you think that I will miss this chance? Yes, she's jealous, and I have 'really lame' proof..but Shaherzaaad knows I'm a twat, and carries on kicking my head in so I'm secretly 'grateful' for the attention. Please notice me more..please, me and Delilah are depending on it..nothing to do with the fact that I fucked up her life for four years....but thn I've always been quite self-deluded...I'm just grateful for this attention.

Today we mentioned Leona Lewis..who is pretend 'Black', according to the gospel of plebs, which I wrote.....see that's another thing I'm grateful for, Leona Lewis being a pretend 'Black' now I can feel that I have some sort of comraderie with her, if I just say she's pretend Black...yes that means there's more than one ethnic minority who has a chronic identity disorder and crisis, although again am secretly glad she's not Mirpuri because then I would really have to dig the knife in.

I'm off to the Institute of Asian Business Awards Ceremony tomorrow...whopeee... I'll tell you more about this one in the next post as I have an amazing plan.... it's the best way to bring Mummy round, but in the meantime, so happy that Shaherzaad has finally paid interest back into my life...and I'm planning on playing a track called 'somethings going on' because I am PlebNo1..

You know why I'm even more happy than usual..do you remember the Halloween programme, yes that pile of shit. Well in it, I was trying to get a refund on my 97p spooky CD. Well I was so happy that I finally got my money back(yes the entire 97p) that me and my chums went out for dinner, and guess what..so overcome was I with sheer joy, I splashed out and gave everyone a Halloween treat, and bought Bottled Water for everyone!! Who says that I'm tight!

Sniff, Sniff, lets bring on a fake Psychology student to discuss smells in the Radio studio left behind by Sonia and Co..what a shame I didn't think to ask the Psychology student to Psychoanalyse my favourite choice in aftershave : Gucci Envy, which is packaged in a Green Bottle. (you fucking prick says Shaherazaad, Gucci because you want to appear posh, and Designer clad all the time, Envy because you are 'full' of jealousy, and try to project this onto other people as per fucking usual, which looks like it's me now...yeah I'm sooo jealous of your Paedo lovelife...I'll put you on the fucking hitlist next for that you prick the colour Green represents your love of money, everything associated with beelzebub who is associated with the colour Green and is also your Dad, and bottle reminds you of 'my' ex boyf who you were totally jealous of, because he can get laid much more than you...which is only twice in your life...another thing you share with Mummy)

Let's watch Psycho everyone, that's funny..guess who's the Psycho? Shaherazaad of course...yes nothing to do with the fact the main character in the film is called Norman, who has a strange fascination with his mom...I just can't think of anyone who would have a such a strange fascination with Mummy...except for Rameses the III

Do you know, Shaherazaad named me Rameses III once upon a time? The Ancient Egyptians would sleep with their mothers and sisters. Does a sister in law count then?

I'm making a real effort to put on some Gagan type music today, but I just sound like BaltiFM.

Heather Mills is very upset that she is being hounded by the press, and my advice was shut up or put up...except for when they are slating me...then I'll threaten to kill myself! Mummy! Mummy! Shall i kill myself...now or after my run? : This was said in Mirpuri of course...I'll have to get Wax and the other one to arrange some interpretation from the Brasshouse as I am really not a Mirpuri. ..

I'm so glad Shaherzaad is talking now, yes that's a great way to sort of make her look a bit 'silly' you know all this childish 'revenge' stuff, as my 'temper' voice really didn't work, so let's play the 'she's silly' card...Of course she's nothing like me of course...i talk from 3-7, when they finally open up the gorilla zoo, which makes me really happy..as I can get off the monkey bars and have a chat with two people (who are paid to be there)..and a cup of PG Tips, as I'm trying out tea drinking these days.

Shaherzaad turned on the telly today, as per usual...and everyone is playing songs such as 'Brimful of Asha', micheal jackson 'I'm bad' and other similar themes..

Yes, I would like to have a pop at Shaherazaad again, by plagiuerising (you know what I mean, my fave passtime : copying other people) another Breakfast Presenters work, by elaborating on the Chicken Stevens joke...I obviously had yet another memory re-lapse, and forgot to remember the fact my girlfriend needs 'chicken fillets' to get through life, and has breasts like two very thinly spread fried eggs....also did the whole using my 'alter ego' to pretend I'm from anywhere apart from the M word (that's Mirpur if you don't already know, Dadyal to be exact, where the men have a reputation of being the sleaziest, which has been reprted by all the residents of Thara, another famous district of Mirpur)

Today I'm trying to pass myself as being from Karachi, as obviously if you search through all the shit which I like to call a show you can see I watched Eastenders last night....but it's ok, I took Shaherzaad's advice and am sticking to a few syllables and just a few token words to get through the language bits..but don't worry..I'll be having language lessons soon from the Brasshouse..i'll put it on Mummy's card, or try and be really cheap and try and get refunds from a few of my 'spooky' CD's. ..oh well at least I'm not selling the bootlegged CD's anymore, I've given all my business to Mo, who I wish would have a bum wax.

bYEbYE

The undisputed King of the Plebs, and Gorilla Zoo

Support from the First Lady of the Balti Broomcupboard Association

Hello everyone, this is PlebNo1!! There's my dating carriage..

You know I really wish people close to me would get the guts to tell me how much of a real pleb I am. I mean they keep letting me loose on Air, and not only allow me, but pay me totalk my shit all day long (yes, yes, I know I look like a turd, I'm starting to learn now)..You never know though, i've got this far without anyone noticing...and I've nearly forgotten all about the Market Stall Shop in the crappy Bull Ring (a meeting place for the smelly, the homeless and gypsies..aaahhh actaully I'm still sort of living this theme everyday of my life aren't I? oh well, more introspection I think, Rajesh will know what to do, I'm sure). Anyway, if I can get a guest slot on the Big Question this Sunday, life would be brilliant, as that's a 'debate' show isn't it, and well I'm the only one of the crew who hasn't been on,( not that any of us know anything about all the issues discussed, but hey the Big Balti Association really knows how to hold onto their staff, even if they don't do any work..just like moi)

Anyway, the pressure of the 'present' for Mummy is really getting to me, and Rosemary is just not spellchecking my work anymore. This is a real problem, but I may recover. I think she may have stopped spellchecking my work due to the fact that I am such a 'wussy' and can't even stand up for her. Instead of sorting out the girl who insults, I just try and appease my girlfriend, and make her try and get used to it. Fantastic boyfriend I am, but it's ok, everyone knows that I'm a wuss...skirting around for women half my age is fantastic! it'll take at least 5 more years for them to realise what I'm really like, but I have a foolproof method to keep them for life. I get them pregnant!! Fantastic!! It really works, see after the first kid, they lose millions of brain cells anyway, and suddenly yours truly becomes sEx sTuD.. My suggestion is anyone circa 1984/85.

If anyone would like to borrow my pram to take on the first date, to make that 'lasting' impression please drop me line titled 'PRAM' and email adil@bbc.co.uk or get the text number of www.bbc.co.uk/asiannetwork and scroll down to the presenters page and click on the section called 'pleb'.

Soory about any spelling problems, is hard to control my hand ever since I left the StAlKeRnO1 hAnDwRitinG for normal handwriting style...it's hard erasing the memory but I think i may just be able to muster it, with the help of Rosemary xxx

Granny Kiss xx

RajaNo1 messes up yet again..(Anyway here's a picture of me, especially with my 'break out')

Hello, it's me, I think I'm gonna give up all the clever 'psydeneums' and start calling myself the world's biggest pleb (definately look like one, especially one with genital warts)

Anyway, I thought I'd take the piss again. Yes that fantastic idea I seem to have quite a lot.

Anyway, a certain someone had their birthday on Monday, and I noticed she got a birthday kiss, and well because my mummy always wants more than a birthday kiss, I got jealous of all her 'freedom'. I mean Mummy wants more from me, a lot more (notice my choice in present) so I made fun of her 'birthday' kiss, and made fun of Granny's maybe trying to imply that she is a grandma too. Yeah like my fucking girlfriend, who is living in the 60's with her knitting needles...It's ok though, heard a feature on Radio last night..they seemed to be promoting a website called ''rent a granny'', think I might introduce this to Rosemary.

Also, seem want to be a bit of a flower expert these days...'there are other fowers available'

Yep, cauli'flowers' the type you probably have on your bits after a few sessions with Mr z..which is not to far. Better keep Rosemary's knitting needles out of sight then hey?

Wish I could stop talking about things I had no clue about.

Oh well, when all else fails I can put on my Ali G voice on again, cos that'll scare people off. It's hard though you know, as I don't have the guts to throw crap at anyone who has noticeably more success than me. When will I ever get the guts to do that?

Anyone got any OXYCLEAN handy? Any oxyclean handy, that will just bring the swelling down a little? I mean I don't want to obliterate myself completely, although I know a few people who would, except for Sonia the ass licker, just as well I look like a big brown arse..and guess where the hole starts from, i like to call it a mouth)