Rajesh is ignoring me. Hello it's me stalkerNo1 but today I'm very sad, so I've got my gloomy voice on today.

I took out my packed lunch in the BBC canteen, and guess who walked past the glass doors? Yes Rajesh Mirchandani. I tried to make eye contact, but he looked straight through me, then pretended to look really closely at a puddle on the floor just like that bitch Shaherazaad does, and my new phionse Miss Piggy.

I sat all alone with my apple, and my packed lunch, but mummy saved the day yet again, because she had extracted some breast milk and sneakily hid it inside the back pocket of my rucksack, with that special white powder spinkles she keeps for me on special occasions. It's our little secret, and on Eid she has some too. We call it our 'magic' powder, because it does 'magic' things. In fact we love 'magic' in our home, and we also have lots of 'magic' ingredients in our kitchen. We love nothing more than to sit down with some special tasting Shiatshu mushrooms which we call 'magic' mushrooms. Frida likes to join our 'magic' dinner parties too, and she wears 'magic' clothes and brings along her 70's outfits and her 'magic' broom.

I think Rajesh knows I keep copying him, becuase I did my first outreach work for the BBC this morning. I overheard him talking to Suzanne and Nick Owen this morning referring to someone as a 'fucking prick'. Bet they've been watching Sheherazaad again then.

Signed

Jimmy Hill's Love child