Yes, I know nobody has missed me, but I've been on holiday for three months to Mirpur, the homeland, but of course (cunning as I am) I told everyone it was someowhere exotic like Indonesia, but really the only place I feel at ease is in Mirpur, Pakistan, Dadyal to be exact.
With the wind 'not in my hair', I ventured out into the wilderness because it was poo time, and we don't have toilets in Dadyal, so I had to search for the nearest piece of grassy land to dig that hole and relieve myself. Luckily, there are plenty of holes left over in Mirpur, as no one has tolielts there, (how ignorant of me to think so low of the indigenous people, I mean come on, like they would really have time to dig new fresh holes every time you need to relieve yourself...) so when it comes the time to relieve myself of Aunty Gazamphar's lentils (because were sooo healthy) what you do is venture out, run for the hills and basically you just 'recycle' old holes left over from the last persons visit.... each hole belongs to the various different tribes, etc,...so if you pick the wrong hole, and it belongs to a warring tribe, you may be met with a rifle under your arse (although I secretly enjoy it, but only on the weekends)
I remember the first time I did this, I had just come of age, in the prime of youth (yes, I had just turned 31) when I pulled down my Shalwar and instead of feeling the dewly moisture of the baldes, sorry ahem,,I mean blades of grass...(I have issues with my receding hairline, and I have many freudian slips), (although I don't really know what that is...but if you say things with enough conviction, and look up enough words in the dictionary...nobody questions your intelligence) of grass, I was instead me with the head of a donkey, well you know, there aren't a lot of very inviting ladies in Mirpur, and well you know one thing led to another... the second time it was with a Sheep...Baa, Baa she bleeped as I relieved myself. Since then I tend to have 'issues' with sheep, and can be heard regurlarly on my show hurling insults at the poor creatures, maybe it will mean that I never indulged in all those dirty deeds, and you will all think that it is beacuse I genuinely do have a real aversion to sheep!
Anyway, guess what...I've found love ...He's name is BRITGUY007.... i knew it was love at first sight, when I read his name...did I tell you that one of my psedonyms is : RajaNo1....a coincidence..well Ithink not!! He called me an Asshole today... fancy that an asshole? I've never felt so cherished in my entire life xxx
Britguy and RajaNo1...with a name like RajaNo1, I'll be wearing the trousers.... I'll be going to Jewelery Quarter soon, to buy the ring...no matter that I've never met the guy, and he told me to he's not Gay...I know he wants me really!!!
Love ya and leave you...I'm gong to tell my husband about this post before they kick me off the dating site...
Here's a Picture of the fabulous Mangla Dam...the biggest tourist destination in the Whole of Mirpur...all the macho men congregate there on a Wednesday to compare the size of the moustache...but I'm afraid I can't go, because I can only grow a bit of bumm fluff, and well, obviously I'm bald...Your moustache is a sign of your virility, and capability as a Man..and I hate Wednesdays as I always get laughed at, because the whole male population of Dadyal is at Mangla Dam being macho, and well I can't go....all i can do is sit with the ladies...at first I thoguht great, think of the amount of Shalwar's I could pull down, and well I know how to unlatch a parandha,...but the women don't want to come near me, and call me a 'Kusra' .
The water is brown becuase the macho men have weed in it...except me of course.
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