Hello Again, it's me KUSRA

Hello

(my uncles, brothers, sisters mothers, cows son...he is to wed my brothers, nieces daughter's hairdresser who's name I will not reveal as she is one of my own, and I have all respect for her and her privacy as a woman) The group upstairs is the Thana Police recovering heroin...for some reason I felt compelled to put this one in aswell.

Hello everybody it's me StalkerNo1, the best stalker in town.

I am back from my trips abroad, but I won't tell anyone, because the socialites in Mosely won't speak to my family then, we have an excellent veneer of 'poshness' and telling them were i really went, to compare the size of moustaches would look like we are a family of liars, and that is something we most defiantely are not. Did i tell you I have an obsession with moustaches, well since I can only manage a bit of bummfluff myself, and I could never compete with the muchars of those strong robust sahetmund Pakistani men, I get really jealous of women with one,,...it reminds me of life in Pakistan...oh yes, the good old days...women with bummfluff, and surma (Kohl) in the eyes, I really really, love that look....ooooohhh yes...reminds me of what nearly happened one night on the 'mangee' (those beds made out of straw only in Pakistan and India, where proud men sit with the Shalwar Kameez, with their legs open, showing off their masculine prowess) in Faisalabad, when all the men went on a day trip to Mangla Dam..and I was left with my aunties, sisters, brothers, nices, grandmothers, sixth cousin. I'm not telling you her name, but there was something underneath that moonlit night, with the fresh smell of mud and cow dung, that just turned me senses around! Wah, Wah! Lux Kya cheez hai! We were alone that night, and her moustache and Kohl eyeliner just reminded me of the far out villages in of yesteryear that I just couldn't contain my lust for her. She told me to baaz ah jah, harami kusra...but the way she said it was so inviting.... but alas I couldn't have her. Since then I have been obsessed with facial hair...there's nothing like a bit of Wolverine to make me re-live those long lost memories of the pinds of Faisalabad....but you know the combination of a skinny woman, kohl in the eyes, and a slap of bummfluff, it really says 'Pakistani Village Girl' to me. Really, it does, I'm deep down (belive it or not, the neandethal within just cannot resist..it reminds of the kindest words any woman has ever spoken to me,,...so when a woman gives me the brush off...i just want her even more. ) Oh come on, you know it's true, go and look at any Pakistani woman in the 1980's and you'll see for yourself...bummfluff, eyeliner and lipgloss went hand in hand...and you know what I always say...I only got love for you if you were born in the 8o's, the 80's!!

You know I have a Radio programme on this planet and people listen to my show, but if anyone even mentions the Stalker word, i get very annoyed...but it's ok, since I only get two text messages per show, and the rest are all made up anyway, I read everything out...except my autoreplies,because I can dish it out, but can't take it when it comes back...yes you know who is sending me rather rude emails these days, but I just autoreply back.

That's another thing, I really hate it when people mention having a bath with a bucket and jug!! Oh yes, I make jokes, and my friends always laugh on cue (this is because they want to step up their career, little do they know, that I'm such an ego maniac, the moment they get too much attention....I'll get rid of them, I do this to all my producers....the only one who knows the real truth is that she male who I enjoy stalking for nearly half a decade now...but as long as she doesn't listen in ever again, they'll be none the wiser... I amuse them by letting them think they are my friends, and letting them speak on air, and pretending on air as if I have really noticed personal things about their personality..anyway enough about them...it's all about me, me, me)

Talking about that cow, she is now terrorising me, and I don't like it one bit...the other day she tuned into my show, and started sending me death threats..and made slitting gestures outside the window of my studio..is she trying to say she will kill me? she also sent me this picture, what do you all think it means? She also sent me an email with this picture saying Lion killing Prey...is she trying to tell me something?

It's ok, though I handled it..thats when I made the bucket and jug joke...just so she knows that I know that she has a bath with a bucket and jug...i really hate bucket and jugs because they remind me of my times in Faisalabad, where I had to use a steel bucket and jug..and walk 18 miles to wash in unclean water...and the horrible inadequacies that come along with Faisalabad....especially Wednesdays..knowing I'll never fit in with the rest of the men, and that the women call me a Kusra. Here is a picture of my stalking victim, her name is Salahazaar Sheguevaahrah Khan. I wish she was Imran Khan, stupid cow, she just can't get anything right can she!!! I hate her, I hate her!!! Look at her, crying because I'm stalking her, and making fun of her every day on my show, when she has enough shit to deal with...how could she be upset....oh sorry, I forgot, I know exactly what I'm doing, but when you all ask, this is what I'll say..it will work for 4 years.

Here is Salahazaar herself ...

I said here is Salahazaar herself.....

Guess what she called me? the B word....Oh ok, I will have to stalk her a few more times, amybe she'll come round in 60 years time..tell you what I'll do...my cunning plan, whenever she listens I'll put on ; I like you just the way you are...' and she'll really fall for me then. ..

Except I did this the other day, and that's when she sent me the bitchy emails, and began laughing at me..she had been tricking me all along...not one to be outdone, me and shams quickly started breaking out into song, thinking she'll get scared...that didn't work, so I started talking and laughing really, really loudly, with a big stern voice...that didn't work, so I just got a bit nervous, but carried on like a trooper. Another embarrasing incident, was today..the cow had to listen in at the very moment when it all started going pear shaped on my show, we finally managed to convince an old woman to come on my show and talk...but she began talking to her family whilst on Air, completely ignoring my requests for friendship....as she was ignoring me, guess who began listening...yes you guessed it Shahaarezaad Lucy( that's her middle name) Khan. So to cover it all up, I began talking really loudly in a posh English voice. Yes, that covered up the fact I have virtually no authority, and made myself soo accessible no one has any respect for me anymore...that'll teach me for sharing every little detail of my life with anyone who'll lsiten. Anyway, it's a good thing I broke into a posh English accent (i could hear the bitch whispering aswell in the background..laughing, and hissing) as last time she said...''that's it four eyes, when in doubt just break into a Leeds Accent, that'll make everything ok'' well, Ha! This time I didn't it was a posh voice because one your wrong, and two I have left behind the old days when I wasn't posh, so now break into a posh voice to celebrate my newfound posh status, and the fact that since the days of leeds, I have subsequently gotten laid.

Goodnight.