MAGIC

mAgIcmaGicMaGiCkMaGICmAgIckmagicmagicmagickkk

Rajesh is ignoring me. Hello it's me stalkerNo1 but today I'm very sad, so I've got my gloomy voice on today.

I took out my packed lunch in the BBC canteen, and guess who walked past the glass doors? Yes Rajesh Mirchandani. I tried to make eye contact, but he looked straight through me, then pretended to look really closely at a puddle on the floor just like that bitch Shaherazaad does, and my new phionse Miss Piggy.

I sat all alone with my apple, and my packed lunch, but mummy saved the day yet again, because she had extracted some breast milk and sneakily hid it inside the back pocket of my rucksack, with that special white powder spinkles she keeps for me on special occasions. It's our little secret, and on Eid she has some too. We call it our 'magic' powder, because it does 'magic' things. In fact we love 'magic' in our home, and we also have lots of 'magic' ingredients in our kitchen. We love nothing more than to sit down with some special tasting Shiatshu mushrooms which we call 'magic' mushrooms. Frida likes to join our 'magic' dinner parties too, and she wears 'magic' clothes and brings along her 70's outfits and her 'magic' broom.

I think Rajesh knows I keep copying him, becuase I did my first outreach work for the BBC this morning. I overheard him talking to Suzanne and Nick Owen this morning referring to someone as a 'fucking prick'. Bet they've been watching Sheherazaad again then.

Signed

Jimmy Hill's Love child

Ownership of the Skeletor joke

Sheherazaad also says : Can I just say whilst I've been suicidal for the past 4 years, I was the person who came up with the skeletor joke, just in case that pile of shit tries to pass it off as his own imagination again, as this is what he normally does.

EasternSpye

Shaherazaad says : The punch story below is total bull, as per usual. For any true media enquires please contact Asjaad Nazheer from Easternspye newspaper, who was one of the original 'haterz' back in the day when it was just me and Nihal's 'Adil has a receding hairline quip''..oh how I cherished those words. In fact Ajaad Nazheer's observation of RajaNo1 were actually quite groundbreaking, and he should be greatly rewarded for his excellent journalism, and the ability to spot a trend well before it's fruition date. See him shine this week in the Easternspye newspaper where he has written 'yet' another special on why the Big Balti Network is on it's way downhill..titled 'Big Balti Network on it's way down'. My all time fave piece of groundbreaking journalism was when Asjaad reported on the Asian Media Awards in London, and RajaNo1 was spotted handing out his phone number to models. I think the word he used to describe you Adila was 'sleazy Z list celebrity Adil Ray'.

Why i lied about the 'punch'

Ok, Ok...yes, I've been lying again haven't I?

Ok here's the full story.

On a cold cold night one december, RajaNo1 was walking and simultaneously stalking...yes, yes I was in West Bromwich again, and yes, she pretended she didn't see me once again, and found the puddle in the pavement amazingly interesting for what seemed like an hour, as usual.

Anyway, this really pissed me off, so I got pissed, and well then went to the club, and Manga punched my lights out, and then I got in the car, and thought I saw Sophie, and crashed my Car into her out of anger and spite, because I had had a bad day, and so therefore that wasn't fair (my bad day that is...keep up Crayola, I can't keep spelling things out you know), the mother of my child deserved to have her legs broken didn't she? But Sophie outdid me as usual and shot out the way, and I really did crash into a mini.

This is my version to the Magistrates Court

Hello your honour, I swear by mighty God that I am 'Mohammad Raja Adil bin (meaning 'son of' in arabic, or if you are hebrew you can turn that into Ben which means the son of in Hebrew, because I'm not an Israelophobe like our boycotting Muslim friends) Laden...humph, I'll start again your honour. xxx (always kisses for sexy girls and people in authority)

Hello your Honour, I swear by almighty God that I am indeed

'Mohammad RajaNo1 Adil Bin Laden Bin Rehman Rameses the IV or the III' ..............and I will speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God.

Anyway, your honour one dark misty night, I had some pineapple punch at a Halloween party my mom and her friends had organised. I had some punch, and I didn't know it had any alchohol in it, and well then one thing led to another and Pineapple punch turned into Apple punch, and well because I couldnt take all the debauchery I decided to get out before she offered me some Mango (a) 'punch' as that would be really, really bad. Anyway, turns out Mum's mate Shagufta had the hots for me, and wanted me to take her into her attic dungeon, so she had spiked my drink with the 'devils urine'...but by the time I had time to realise this, a big 'mini' (spot the oxymoron everyone who's studied at Grammar School) came and crashed into my car all by itself. And that's the truth your honour xxx

Mithun/RajaNo1 : Seperated at birth

Mithun Chakoraborthy my very own dead ringer. Yes, yes I know he has hair, and doesn't have a chin that a small army could ski down...but he does has lips that don't seem to get any circulation don't you think?

He should come down to one of our SeX dUnGeOn parties, we'll sort him out..maybe we can serve him some 'punch' which has no alchohol in it, like the type of 'punch' i drank when i smashed that car, and had to go to court.

Yes, that type of 'punch'...no Shaherazaad, not the one your thinking of, or you Rosemary (xxxx special kissy wissy's for you though Rose, only good looking women like you get this type of treatment from Nosferatu)

Signed

The head of the household of the Royle family.

Screensaver of my 'iconic' wife to be

Hello again it's me RajaNo1 the best stalker in town xxx

Here's a great pic of the future (shaherazaad make sure you look away now).... 'Mrs' StalkerNo1! This is her with crazy cool 'child killer' glasses on, doesn't she look a treat? We took this one evening after a long day of nude photoshooting for topshelftopchoice magazine as she is a glamour model. After the shoot was over me and Gioleveenagniuasdofgjdsbvdsbvhlsdb got down to some real 'shooting' if you know what I mean. Don't worry we have all white furniture, so Shaherzaad is good for something!!

Do you look back at your life sometimes and think that some things are just 'meant' to be....my teenage years were spent watching Brookside every Saturday and now 6700 years later when I look into the eyes of my child killing beloved I know the reason and meaning of life.

Can I just say (by the way I have now broken into a Leeds accent for no apparent reason except for the fact that I am Stalker No 1, and do this because I think it gives my show comic effect) don't you think lezzer Anna Friel was a dead ringer for Kate Moss when she was in Brookside?

Anyway, with love in my heart, it's time to go and get washed and ready for SeX nItE @ tHe SeX dUngEoN!!

Love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

nOSFERAtu

Engagement Pics

Ooops.... sorry here they are, sorry didn;t want to post them until Shaherazaad looked away, but here are the engagement pics, we wanted you to share our happiness with you all. Frida Kohl-o-wanted a 70's theme to celebrate the big day. Turns out Mummy has bought a whole slab and cement factory...she always thinks ahead!! xxxxx

Engagement pics

Announcing the engagement of RajaNo1 and Frida the Kahlo (or should I say Kohl-o- cow)

We are plannig our wedding and cordially invite you, here's a picture of my our engagement, which took place today, and then there's my screensaver pic of the woman of my dreams. She is up the duff, so I've ordered some extra slabs which we can keep in the garage, just in case the need arises. We dressed up in 60's style because she likes 'nostalgia'.

Green Card Issues

Me and Mummy's dream house, we are bulding one just as we speak in Mosely..my cousin's donkey's Dad's friend knows someone who can get me a good deal on back to back Marble, but we want a British flavour so may add a chimney pot, to fit in with the socialites in Mosely

Hello everyone it's me RajaNo1, the best stalker in town

As you all know, I am really happy like all new 'immigrants' I have just got my new gleaming Green Card, which has just been freshly laminated, and fits perfectly in my wallet...except it's distressing me a little..

well, this is the problem..I want to have my name changed...you see I'm quite ashamed of my name...I mean I just keep changing it

Name no 1: Adam Ray (my I'm really not Asian, even though my features are a distinct indicator of the indiginous people's who reside in the biggest rice paddy region of Bangladesh)..it helped me to get in with all the celebs 'back in the day'

Name No 2: Adil Ray (this is when I started getting Asian 'work')

Name No 3: Adaab Ray (Mummy especially likes this one, as we can pretend we are really posh 'well to do' Pakistani's just like Uncle Sajjad, and quote the finest 'sher o shairi' )(Pakistani poetry which is very sublime) (and impress all the Pakistani socialites in Mosely)

Name No 4: Adhaab Rai (this way I can pretend I have Indo/Pak lineage and then I get more chums: notice a subtle variation on the name Adaab Ray, oh.... the advantages of spell check, and an Urdu dictionary, because Mirpur doesn't have a written language! those illeterates, not like my Giolavinalagaan who can spell blindfolded, especially in the our Sex Dungeon)

Name No 5: Adil Ray again : working for the Balti Network

Name No 6: Mithun!

Name No 7: Skeletor

Name no 8 : Sleazebag (my mate Asjad Nazeer named me this, don't think he really likes me for some reason)

Name No 9: StalkerNo1

Name No 10: RajaNo1

Name No 11: VisionExpress (although this doesn't count as I quickly went and got some laser eye treatment, and now just need to get my faced Botox, before Sheherzaaad brings up the 'you've got saggy cheeks like an old man' joke again! Bitch

Name no 12: Four eyes (because apparently, when I wear my glasses, my eyeballs reflect on the pains of glass..sorry thought I'd spell it out for Frida, as there are only so many pretty pics you can use to break up the text, although I am double spacing in between sentences so that should help her).

But the creme de la creme is my real name :

Drum roll Frida......

The curtains open....

Voila!

The biggest most bombastic name in the whole of Dadyal....

Mohammad Raja Adil Choudary Rehman Dadyal III

See it's not 'really' a problem except for when I'm called into court, where they embarrasingly announce my real name in Public, and every Pakistani Lawyer, Security Guard, will just piss themselves laughing...and the Eastern Eyespy newspaper print out my entire name, and write sarcastic sentences like

Asian Radio 'z' list celeb appears in court this week, charged with crashing his car into a mini (he thought it was Sophie). Adil 32 'real name' Mohammad Raja Adil Choudary Rehman Dadyal III testifies as 'not guilty'.

My name was on the court summons list with all the other 'common' Pakistani's and unfortunately matched every Pakistani taxi driver aged over the age of 52. We are posh Pakistani's now, of 'high' gentry, and this proves to be very embarrasing!! How on earth will I be able to sneer at Shaherazaad now, when my name means that I'm Dadyal's most famous son of a Donkey Shit bucket cleaner...good thing we're in England, as they don't know anything about all this, so as long as I can get 'mummy' some christmas ring tones on her phone all set for christmas (in March)..and I buy a few 'select' T shirts with the British Flag emblazoned on them, nobody will know...Humph, those damn Pakistani socialites of Mosely. So what if you don't accept us if we can't grasp the subtleties of the Urdu language, or can't watch Urdu drama's without subtitles

(the mirpuri's were the first to invent the 'double barrel' name you know, the British learned it from us)

Signed

Nosferatu (xxx Happy Halloween xxxx)

DISCLAIMER

please note

RajaNo1 would like to make the following announcement :

''It has come to my attention that people think that I don't like people from Mirpur. As a real 'bonafide' Pakistani, who stems from the far away land of Dadyal I would like to confirm that despite the sarcasm in some of my words on this post, I am not ashamed of my family origins, and am not a Mirpuri hater. I am simply touching on the ignorance that many people have for this indiginous community through the avenue of humour. Just like 'Jane Austen' I am simply being ironic. What I really want to do is 'empower' the local Mirpuri community to 'not' be ashamed of where they are from despite what people say, and am poking fun at those Mirpuri's who pretend that they are not from Dadyal and are from Faisalabad. Not that I am one of those people of course, I mean I would never lie about where my family is from in Pakistan, and Thai brides don't even know where Mirpur is anyway,..... just as well really''

RajaNo1 would like to say that he is not responsible for any offence caused in this blog.

Love and Kissses from Frida the cow xxxxx

My heart will go on....

UH OH!!!

Right i have to get this off my pigeon chest! Problem is the above...well my girlfriend Frida is now a bit too 'close' for comfort with ENEWS! Presenter Ryan Oceancrest! (wow, beautiful name hey?)

She stand at the mirror for hours, and ignores me, lunges at me, takes out her anger at Shaherzaad at me, and well generally treats me like a creep, but with Ryan, is chatting for hours? What shall I do, i am really, really theatened, this always happens to me!! She obviously has taken a shine to him, and I'm wracked with depression...I'm here all along, and she leaves the house and doesn't tell me where she is, and where she is going?? What I'm I going to do, Mummy's milk powder mix has run out now aswell...how will I ever get through?? He's better looking than me, more witty, more succesful and has access to tons more celebs than me, in fact he puts my Z list contact list to desperate shame!!

She's even stopped noticing my jokes, and never takes any interest in my show, what if she dumps me after we have the baby?? I can't even get any breast milk from Mummy as she's on the other side of the world. Maybe if I invite him to my SeX dUNgEoN then he will see how pitiful I am, and leave her alone out of sheer pity. It's very hard for me here, in the United States of America! I think he's coming tomorrow, but now I think that Frida's idea to let me have a sex sock corner in my SeX dUNgEoN was actually her just 'jesting' with me.

The worst thing is that bitch Shaherazaad has worked all this out, so I'm hoping that My DJ friends will take the piss out of her, I know she won't cry anymore, but hey at least it gives me some hope, and then I can click the CD player, or TV and then I get some confidence back...but everything is going very, very pear shaped...I've been depressed all day, and everybody is telling Shaherazaad all about my sock drawer phobia. I just don't know what to do, my world'd being turned upside down.

Oh well, at least I have my Radio Programme to try and act bad in... then that will make me feel better.

Too scared to slate Ryan though, as he knows more celebs than me xxx Better calm down, as the heart is giving me problems, and also Frida is worried I can't get regular work!! More features for chocolate covered shoes, which is something everyone wants to know about....it's ok, my DJ mates are taking part in some 'foolproof' manipulation techniques with a bunch of wrinkle faced grannies as we speak!! Get the grannies on board, that's what I say, might try that one myself...no better think about how Rajesh would deal with all this, he'll know what to do.

To invite or not to invite? That is the question?

Hmmm...think I should invite Rajesh to my AlL hALLoWs Eve SeX dUnGeOn PaRty? Do you think he would come, or just click on that I'm a real creep? What if I send him the Goody Bag first? Do you think that my fRee SeX dUnGeOn goody bags will get through the BBC security? I've got contacts you know, so maybe I can get one of Catman's mates to get my SeX dUnGeOn goody bag to Rajesh? Hold on I'm not called StalkerNo1 for no reason you know...I mean I did start copying him, and joined the same gym as him, and even moved into the same block.

Maybe my enemies in the Asian community who listen to RadioXL could sort me out? Maybe his mom listens to RadioXL...

See then Rajesh will think I'm his friend, but then I can secretly compete with him, as I only seem to compete with friends, or 'safe' people...to much of a wimp to handle anything else!

Yours Truly xxxx

Nosferatu

All hell's breaking loose!!

The best street in Dadyal (hello RadioXL listeners, Yes, I've heard all the lovely dedications you have all been sending me in Urdu...how nice, ok you know everything now..it's a fair cop..oh well you can get all your RajaNo1 dedications on top of the list if you mention : http://www.stalk4u.blogspot.com/)

That bitch Shaherazaad...oh well, keep positive Raja! Oh well, maybe if it doesn't work out with me and Frida in New York we can relocate to the homeland...with the size of her tache, we'll get in with the bestest War Lords in the whole of Mirpur. Not that I'm from Mirpur of course.

Frida has been charging at me!!! Aaagh...she does this thing where she lunges at me, and her voice begins to break into sort of a Frank Butcher style/Death Metal type groaning, if that's what I could call it??!! I think she's going through the 'change' where she morphes into a hairy incredible hulk, which is could because I like Green anyway xx

I just don't know what to do...I mean I know that I'm the one to blame for Shaherazaad's silver capped tongue, I mean I know I'm the creep that deserves this, but hey...I accept her moustache...''I love you just the way you are' (Rihanna for those not in the musical know, me and Frida really know our stuff see)

Even Trigger was mentioning Shaherazaad's new found verbal lashing, it's the talking point of the world, and well there's nothing we can do...we've tried the colour co-ordinated outfits, but they just don't work anymore!!! Now everybody knows about our 'problems' in our relationship...eeek!! But i'm secretly dying inside xx It's ok, as long as shams doesn't click on, then everything will be just fine...

Here's hoping she doesn't call me tomorrow after work, and tell me not to wait up for me honey?? I'm the housewife these days, working from home, and she goes out and earns all the 'real' crusts. The problem is, she's starting to get violent...Please does anyone know a Domestic Violence Agency in New York (My sooo favourite city in the whole wide world). Can anyone help me?

Anyway, forget this, I've got a brand new spanking job to think about! I'll just take that picture of Rajesh Mirchandani from under my pillow and imagine I'm him. Turned on the radio today, and at least three times I've heard DJ's interviewing Moustache experts about their Magnum style facial hair..do you think they all know about Frida's tiff and her fisticuff fight?? It's ok, it'll bring us together on the nip and tuck table when I go for my botox. I wonder what Rajesh would do in my situation? I'll have to make a telepathic link with him, or get Frida to cast some Psychic spells, and try and work out how Rajesh would cope with all of this trauma.

1 Day to go till All Hallows Eve

Hello Everyone..it's me again..your favourite stalker.

Oooh I can't wait. It's the All Hallows Eve tomorrow!! Can't wait!! We are like sooo prepared! Yhah!! (that's my Rachel Green accent from friends, cos I'm 'living in America')

Frida the cow or Frida Kahlo (the famous moustache wielding mexican) has been making spooky soup for everyone, and guess what? I've prepared a very own bonafide sex dungeon for all the adults! Well you know what, we were sitting on the sofa, enjoying a snuggle when we saw the Jlo video, and well we saw the Sex Dungeon and thought, well since we're both bonafide celebs now, don't you think that we should have a Sex Dungeon of our own? We sat down, and she helped me design it, and I told her all the things I definately want, and the things we could also leave out (such as providing shackles for all our guests~), then she whizzed around with her paint brush and drew a sex dungeon of our dreams! Wow! It has it's own mini coven for frida too as she is expecting and needs to cook some spells whilst we all get up to some freaky business (or Monkey Business : Skid Row : Sebastian Back rules!!)( Did we ever tell you we are a rocker couple? Rocktastic! )(Yes, Frida walks round like Lemmy these days with her rock Leather Jacket which is soo swish, and proves she is a true bonafide rocker...her toad foot punch she bubbles away every Saturday for Good Luck always takes away the smell of the mothballs, so that's great!!)

We have cleared out a play pen area for the kids though, and I'm renting out a playworker who has a crb check luckily...We're thinking about a Pingu musical chairs theme for Reiss and chums!

Frida has a few extra metres of ribbon spare, so we can make SeX dUNgeOn BliNdFolD's with that, and hand them out as they enter our SeX LaIr!!! and well Frida has some goody bags from work, with a few Crayola's that we can hand out as SexDungEoN thank you pressies, as we will be inviting CELEBS, so need to make an impression!

We will start the debauchery with Frida beating the drums, bit like an animal calling for all the local sex slaves..GRRRRRRRrrrrrrr!!! We took inspiration from a famous Chocolate ad in blighty..because we are sooo artistic!!! As the drums begin to beat, beat, beat...like sex starved banshees we will all look towards the spire in the distance, and travel in a trance towards the summit of ecstasy, and congulate like the sex starved celeb zombies that we are, trying to reach the summit and sexual peak of sexual nirvana...I'm thinking Madonna circa the Erotica days...not boring Kaballah days..come Micheal Jackson circa the Thriller days (actually I think you'll find the correct spelling is Caballa says that bitch Shaherezaad)(you're not INVITED billy!! HUMPH, trying to get an invite!! We are TOO good for you ok?)

Frida has designed me my very own hallucinogenic Sock corner, where I can fulfill all my debauched sexual Sock fantasies in privacy...oohh dangerous xxxx but she promised no more Gorillaesque mentions or shenanigans after the mating call is over! and I promised not to mention the S word when I'm high on drugs...then she promised that she will never mention the Vision Express insults as long as I don't try and hump JLO like I usually do, and embarrass her in front of her celebrity friends!

Anyway, I'm very upset as Frida told me not to make dinner today, and not to wait up! Humph.

Ooh, and while you are here, guess what we have for desert! Lemon Jelly, and Peking Duck fresh from the pond! She better bloody cook it this time, instead of all that raw duck strips she makes with Wasabi (humph you mere mortals you don't even know what that is)

Bye Bye

Signed

Nosferatu xxxx

New Developments

Hello everyone,

The sessional work as the BBC's new Rajesh Mirchandani impersonator is running a bit low these days...oh well, it means I've got more time to contemplate on the 'pressing' issues of the world, like what Shaharezaad had for Breakfast this morning, and if she dreamt about me last night...

Oh well if I had paid as much attention on Shaherazaad as I did on my fake friends, I'd see that Friction is not 'really' my mate, or Sonia Deol. In fact. how shocking they are...when Sherherezaad watches the tv, and they are on that dumb religious programme they don't even give her a dirty look!! Humph, no loyalty...in fact Sonia seems to break into a smirk everytime Sheherazaad puts the tele on...it seems to look as if she finds something really, really funny!! Maybe she's laughing at me behind my back, and that Nihal,,,,he sat with Sheherzaad's favourite bands (well, what seems like her fave band, i dunno what the hell she's upto these days,,, I thought she loved me, and that was a trick,,,i didn't know she could lie like that)..who were ripping it out of me, and didn't say a word! Oh well, at least I have my other minions on Radio to stick up for me. So much for my so called friends. It;s not like the good old days...old school, the days of standard are way behind me now, maybe they can see through my charade.

Anyway, another 'pressing' issue is Miss Piggy. Please note she is now not being called Miss Piggy, as this will give her weight issues, and of course she's just been through so much hasn't she? No her new name as from today is Frida the cow, after a debate show has renamed her...I told her to think before she made a lunge for me!!! Sheherazaad is enjoying this quite a lot and has a message for Frida. Yo Frida, wassup? No need to try and defend yourself love, I'm past caring about Raja's opinion, which obviously means you too as you are one and the same..., you on the other hand care a lot about mine? Don't worry my names not Omar, ...gosh she's a big baby isn't she...I've had my back and crack immaced and she starts getting all threatened....some people ...!! Humph!! And by the way what exactly are you going to do? Fight! Fight! Fight! Oh yeah, beat up four eyes...yes, please be my guest! Are you going to fight everyone who is laughing at you..you'll be here for a long time then won't you? Leave the fighting talk to the real women, and go and be a good girl, and get Raja his milk.

Don't mention the Miss PIGGY word

Ok, now...

Right, please don't mention the P word (as in Miss Piggy) to Jolean. She has issues with her body image, to cheer her up I've bought her some boxing gloves in yellow, to match her yellow ribbon she wears from time to time.

Bye, bye..

Miss Piggy's Porno shots...sorry I mean portraits

MISS PIGGY PORNO SHOTS (I'M KEEPING THE ONE WITH LEMON JELLY ON HER BREASTS FOR PRIVATE VIEWING ONLY)(SHE KNOWS I LIKE LEMON JELLY)

Miss Piggy, look at those lovely blue eyes...( although it would have been better with a tache, Magnum style)(but she's good at art so she can draw one in)(i need to hide that epilady for good!!)(although not in the sock draw)(hey jude, don't make it bad...)(BETTER HIDE THE BOXING GLOVES)

Miss Piggy's on the rampage!!

Uh Oh..

Hello again it's me RajaNo1, the world's most famous Mirpuri!!

La, la, la,la, la...this is not happening, Miss Piggy is on the rampage again!!! Oh god, time to find cover..Temper Temper xxxx

Anyway, this is what's going on!! Miss Piggy is getting a little but annoyed, because she can't take the truth. She's going livid at Sheherazaad for saying mean (but true) things about her. Apparently Miss Piggy says she is going to 'sort out' Sheherazaad (can we call her Shaz for short)..She went so mad, she opened up the sock drawer, and she knows I don't like it when she does that without warning ( I have a few phobias at the moment with the old sock drawer..)

Shaherazaad say's '' Hi Miss Piggy, I pulled out some yellow boxing gloves, but James Whale announced on Air that he wants the yellow ones, sorry xx, couldn't get you the white ones, because I know you keep ripping me off, and well I'm keen for you and Raja to make a new start''

Sheherazaad also went on to say '' I don't know why your so annoyed at me? I mean is it my fault that the entire media, you thought loved you sooo much is encouraging me, and giving me little tit bits of info??? It's not as if I've got a choice in the matter is it??? I predict a riot, but I only fight people who can keep up with me, not children who throw temper tantrums!!''

Plus, Miss Piggy, I know all about the heart attack!!! It's ok, if it makes you feel better you can always call me a big nose, or something, but then again, you'll probably go and get your nose done to look like me in 6 months time anyway...xxxx

If you don't like it, don't spy on me then. HUMPH...some people...

Bye bye...

My Inspiration

Hello again, It's me Raja No 1, King of Dadyal and beyond.....

Today I thought i would share a secret with you xxx

This is big. Basically I keep carrying a torch for Rajesh Mirchandani...not to be confused with Dr Raj Persuad...not a love one of course, I have Miss Piggy for that, no it's just that all my life I grew up watching him in the BBC canteen, Rajesh Mirchandani, the first normal Asian on tv. Everybody knows his name, just like when you go to Cheeers ''the place where everybody knows your name''

Well anyway, when I see him I get very angry and jealous, whilst I'm stcuk in the studio, he's galavanting around on BBC breakfast, doing all this outreach work for the BBC! So now guess what, I'm doing outreach work for the BBC too, now I get to make those wry little comments at the end of a feature, and get to say...'over to you, this is Rajesh...ahem..sorry I mean Raja No 1, reporting from The United States of America'

I mean look at the similarities between us both

He's a man

I'm nearly a man

He works for the BBC

I work for the BIG BALTI NETWORK

He's Indian

I pretend I'm Indian (but really am the world's most famous Mirpuri)

He knows how to use a microphone

I know how to use a microphone

He wears glasses

I'm embarrased to wear glasses

In fact all my career, I have been secretly stalking him, but he doesn't know, I thought I gave the game away, when I turned up in the same colour shirt every time we met innocently in the BBC Canteen, but he didn't click on....thank god for nice people, i mean if he was as narsistic (piggy, see to the spelling ok?) and as arrogant as me, he would have been able to see through, or imagine a whole new Stalking scenario, but no...he didn't! Just as well really xxxxxxxx

We have so much in common..therefore I've got to try and outdo him, especially if he's nice to me, as that means I'm not scared of him anymore....how dare he think he can be in with all the journalists on the BBC. I'm going to get all the CAKE, and eat all of it...(Miss Piggy will see to it that she adds some Ganja in the ingredients, as it's not as if I can taste her food anyway, just as well really from what I've heard)

Bye, bye

Raja No1

Sexy Couple photo's xxxxx

Hello Again it's me stalker no 1 all the way live from the United States of America ; The Land of Oppurtunity, especially for us immigrants!!!

Miss Piggy has trouble with all the unbroken text in my last blog, and is very upset because I didn't break up the text with some pretty pics. (sorry I ahve to write it all out again, she has problems understanding things you see)

Anyway, as a symbol of our love here are some of the family pics...erm at the top of the page...she's a bit impatient at the moment you see xxxx

She's been singing don't mess with my man, don't mess with ma Boy, don't mess with my man....sometimes I look at her and think..''your so Hollyoaks really aren't you?''

Signed the Village Idiot (King of Dadyal)

GREEN CARD PROBLEMS

rIGHT!! THat's IT (SORRY, I'm GoIng BaCk To My Stalker Text AgaIN) (ProBLems)

Hello It's me agAIn...

i really wanted to add some pics to help Jolean get trhough the text you see...but unfortunately I can't upload pictures.. see how much I care, I love you all soo much, I tell you about every single detail of my life, even my incapabilities...that's how much I care about you all.

Guess what happened today?

Well I'll give you a clue, the title says Green Card problems, so obviously it may have something to do with my Green Card!

Ok, times up! I'll let the Cat out of the Bag!!!

Well, ever since I got my Green Card, Sheherazaad has been livid!! She just can't take it!! She's been making Knife gestures at the screen when I cunningly spy on her (what? I can't help it she knows, I thought she's never find out!!!)

Well, the problem is...I now have some idea of how much of a creep I truly am, but Jolean doesn't!! She went on Lorraine Kelly Breakfast Show this morning...Miss Piggy is releasing a book, and the needed someone with BIG BLUE EYES, so they asked Jolean...she asked me for my permission, and I said..''oh darling, mind how you go, make sure they represent you prope.....

(But the time I had finished, she had already slammed the door shut....she had been posing in front of the mirror for hours on end, and then sort of left! Where did she go? Oh that's a good 'link' isn't it. time for some Dr Alpern..

Where do you go, my lovely, where do you go? I wanna know my lovely? Where do you go? Where do you go? NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, Where do you go? la, la, la, la?..)

Oh it's ok, I'm secretely glad, at least she's not clinging on anymore...just the way I cling and stalk, we can't be having that can we?

Yes, anyway..I was well chuffed today,as she's getting a bit threatened, I mean ever since I've got my Green Card, and my posh girlfriend, I've had to leave my village days behind, and Sheherazaad wants her revenge...Ha!! I got her! I've left, onto the Land of dreams, where life is better!!! I'm soo happy, there are so many immigrants and freshies here looking for a 'new' life!! Well, anyway, the problem, is now with Mrs Jolean...she's getting a bit threatened...I mean now she's got this crazy idea into my her head that Shaherezaad is back in love with me... ans she said

''get your hands off my man''

Oh I just sit there and smile...I know she's a bit tender after I cheated on her and slept with Shaherezaad's ex-boyf!!! I bummed him for ages, and she didn't have a clue...so now it's all a bit tough for her, and her imagination goes a bit haywire, even though like me...she too spends all day spying on Shaherazaad!! what is she exactly expecting to find, mind you I like her a lot, as she reminds me a lot of Mummy... who too couldn't see me for the creep that i was, anyway I better just keep quiet or she might start beating me up again!!

Bye, bye,

I'm so proud of Miss Jolean, she did an excellent job this morning as Miss Piggy. Lorraine said to her, you have the world's most beautiful eyes, no wonder evryone fell in love with you...xxx me too I thought. Quite fancy myself as Kermit anyway, and at least if we start calling each other Miss Piggy and Kermit, people may oversee the fact that she's starting to get a bit violent!!! Great, I can upload a photo, here's one from her modelling portfolio's!

2 days left till Halloween!!!!

Hello everybody!!

Because I care about you all, and am so intelligent and a real 'clever clogs' I thought I'd better put up a picture of myself, and my twin brother Nosferatu, to show you the uncanny likeness we have with each other!! Yes, I know you are all too stupid to make this comparison yourselves, yes me and Jolean understand this very well...so that's why we put forward these two pictures so you can understand what we mean!!

I'm also sorry that I'm such a genius, and keep using 'puns' and using a 'play' on words in my blog! I know it's confusing you all, but I just thought I was being sooo clever, but obviously it's all gone over your heads.... I know, next time I'll just sing the Pingu song like I do on my Radio Programme, when I have trouble mustering up anything interesting to say...I'm so sorry I talk crap and write crap all day long....I know it must be really trying on your patience, but I really am this brain dead, and well I just can't hide the fact...As you can all quite clearly see!!

Also, I get threatened when anyone gets me back ( by that I mean revenge...no not what I was thinking, I've got people's back sides on my mind you know., oh yes, the bending down types....drop a penny.com), but it's ok, I've got Jolean for moral support...she helps me through it all, and one look through her transparent tache..and I'm transported back with the cows, the land of the greats (Dadyal of course) and my oh soo elusive cousin Gazamphar...oh how I wish I could lift up that Shalwar...but ahem...these days I'm dating someone not from the great land, so have to act a bit sophisticated!! Please, no more Wandering about WANDA!!

Yes, I know my play on words is sooo damn tedious, but this is what I do, especially before a 'link'...(yeah, that Radio talk you fools... I told you I'm better than you all!! Now I've got my radio career!! Sneer, sneer, sneer!!)...what I love doing even more is putting on a Hindi which has something in common with my 'play' on words! How clever!! Yes, Jolean seems to think so, except when the play on words is about her...then she sneers, and tries to put me down...she says...'oh wow, how clever are you?!!' ...(SARCASTICALLY...yes, I'll just Have to spell it out and put it in Caps Lock for you all).....then she goes and makes a cup of tea, because she's sooo above it all, and likes rising above it all, and uses her (what she thinks is) intellligence as a defence mechanism, just like all the geeks at school. That's why I just love her, you know. I can always rely on her to help me through.

There's just one problem though, even though I use these play on words with her, you know, just in 'jest'...(calm down it's only a commercial)...can she not see, that my entire Radio career, was based on the fact that I could create the 'best' puns, and 'play' on words on the BIG BALTI NETWORK? How do you think I have managed to fool her for sooo long? I'm soo unhappy what if she finds me out, ...

actually think again, I think she's the one lacking in intelligence, as she obviously can't see through my charade!!! Good think I've elaborated so much in this blog hey...I told you I care about you all, and am making it easier for all of your obvious lack in any intelligence.

Sorry, though it's too late to break up the text Jolean...you'll just have to put your glasses on...

And NO, I SAID i AM NOT GOING TO BREAK UP EACH PARAGRAPH OF MY BLOG WITH PRETTY PICTURES THAT MATCH THE CONTENT OF TEXT!!!!

WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS THE SUN?? HA!!

(That's the tabloid sort of Sun, Jolean....xxxxxxxx love you)

(I'll have two sugars please this time, feel a bit worn out, actually no the hearts giving me a bit of jip)

(I've just switched onto National Geographic, there's a Cow on the telly, and you know how they remind me of the homeland!!)

Better, stay away from those chocs then on my feature tomorrow, you know how my body is a temple, and we both sneer at bad eaters....eugh!! gross!! So healthy we are, the healthiest thing I do for my body is regurlarly snort a variety of hallucinogents, and snorting drugs....I also like breastmilk, which is particularly good for you, especially the way Mummy makes it!!!

Sorry for all the awful Grammer Jolean!! I know, this intelligence act gets a bit hard for us both, but we will get through,...as long as we stay as self-deluded as we are, pick up on the 'right' trends, and keep sneering @ Shaherezaad, everything will be just fine and dandy!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM NOSFERATU XXXXXXXXX

Happy Haloween : Our outfits

Hello everybody, it's me again Stalker No1.

Here in the States we take Halloween really seriously, so much so that I'm already planning what to wear, as I'm very image conscious and really want to put my days of yonder (or should I say Wanda, please see Ugly Betty) behind me. Plus it means I can make lots of new friends, and pretend I'm really fabulous.

I used to call women Witches, but shouldn't i take a closer look at myself...I seem to resemble a very starange likeness to Nosferatu don't I?

Oh well, no need to dress up for Halloween anyway..me and jolean can go together, yes she doesn't need to dress up either...since she likes walking around naked, i suggested we get out a few black crayolas colouring crayons, or some black chalk stuff and lightly pencil over her bones, especially the ribs, as I'm getting into Art, and then I can take her as a piece of art at the Halloween party..oh my, think how we will outdo everyone hey? How clever is that?I'll take her as the skeleton, as I'll feel closer to her then, see pic above (because once upon a time my Stalking victim used to say : why don't you just piss off, you f*****G skeletor, and I like to relive those past memories...plus my girlfriend is obsssed with her anyway, and is always trying to be other 'people'..) ...yes, Nosferatu comes to the ball, with his own live skeleton! Wow, roll up, roll up...the world's first walking, breathing skeleton!!! If it hits off, I think I might set up a website, and get people to watch the world's first living skeleton all day long, since I have all the necersary stalking experience, already, and for a small fee, am willing to hire out binoculours...Jolean will love it, as it will help further her career..but you better not tell her I call her jolean...because then she'll go and have laser treatment, and you know she's very fragile (obviously if she sees something in me)

Bye bye!

GOT MY GREEN CARD

Hello again! It's me Stalker No 1, THE ONLY STALKING, TALKING, TRASH TALKING,..WHO LIES STALKING. (you like me and shams made it up when we were 'improvising' after Shaharezaad had tricked me once again).

Today I'm really happy, no I haven't been stalking again, no today I stayed all day in the house. I have a new gleaming Green Card. Did I ever tell you that green is my favourite colour. My stalking victim says it's because I am Green with envy and jealousy, and the devil is also green, and also money is associated with green...all my fave things, but I think it's becuase of the colour of my Green card. It means that as an immigrant from the 'pind' I can leave my village days behind me, and find work in the 'land of dreams' yes, you guessed it, the United States of America...yippeee. I'm so happy, now i don't have to herd cows for a living, and therefore I don't feel tempted...( I think you know what I mean)

Guess what, I've got a job on Radio, wow...can you believe it. Today I sat in my new house, and ate jelly, while the ducks were swimming in the pond. We had lemon jelly, and now I feel super cool, afterwards I sat down with my maths book, and did some sums. It's ok, before i left my mommy made me a packed lunch, and she mixed some of the powdered stuff in with my bottle of fresh breastmilk. Now i feel better...don't you just love mothers. She says that she'll even knit me some socks if i promise not to threaten to kill myself again. (works like a treat)

Hello Again, it's me KUSRA

Hello

(my uncles, brothers, sisters mothers, cows son...he is to wed my brothers, nieces daughter's hairdresser who's name I will not reveal as she is one of my own, and I have all respect for her and her privacy as a woman) The group upstairs is the Thana Police recovering heroin...for some reason I felt compelled to put this one in aswell.

Hello everybody it's me StalkerNo1, the best stalker in town.

I am back from my trips abroad, but I won't tell anyone, because the socialites in Mosely won't speak to my family then, we have an excellent veneer of 'poshness' and telling them were i really went, to compare the size of moustaches would look like we are a family of liars, and that is something we most defiantely are not. Did i tell you I have an obsession with moustaches, well since I can only manage a bit of bummfluff myself, and I could never compete with the muchars of those strong robust sahetmund Pakistani men, I get really jealous of women with one,,...it reminds me of life in Pakistan...oh yes, the good old days...women with bummfluff, and surma (Kohl) in the eyes, I really really, love that look....ooooohhh yes...reminds me of what nearly happened one night on the 'mangee' (those beds made out of straw only in Pakistan and India, where proud men sit with the Shalwar Kameez, with their legs open, showing off their masculine prowess) in Faisalabad, when all the men went on a day trip to Mangla Dam..and I was left with my aunties, sisters, brothers, nices, grandmothers, sixth cousin. I'm not telling you her name, but there was something underneath that moonlit night, with the fresh smell of mud and cow dung, that just turned me senses around! Wah, Wah! Lux Kya cheez hai! We were alone that night, and her moustache and Kohl eyeliner just reminded me of the far out villages in of yesteryear that I just couldn't contain my lust for her. She told me to baaz ah jah, harami kusra...but the way she said it was so inviting.... but alas I couldn't have her. Since then I have been obsessed with facial hair...there's nothing like a bit of Wolverine to make me re-live those long lost memories of the pinds of Faisalabad....but you know the combination of a skinny woman, kohl in the eyes, and a slap of bummfluff, it really says 'Pakistani Village Girl' to me. Really, it does, I'm deep down (belive it or not, the neandethal within just cannot resist..it reminds of the kindest words any woman has ever spoken to me,,...so when a woman gives me the brush off...i just want her even more. ) Oh come on, you know it's true, go and look at any Pakistani woman in the 1980's and you'll see for yourself...bummfluff, eyeliner and lipgloss went hand in hand...and you know what I always say...I only got love for you if you were born in the 8o's, the 80's!!

You know I have a Radio programme on this planet and people listen to my show, but if anyone even mentions the Stalker word, i get very annoyed...but it's ok, since I only get two text messages per show, and the rest are all made up anyway, I read everything out...except my autoreplies,because I can dish it out, but can't take it when it comes back...yes you know who is sending me rather rude emails these days, but I just autoreply back.

That's another thing, I really hate it when people mention having a bath with a bucket and jug!! Oh yes, I make jokes, and my friends always laugh on cue (this is because they want to step up their career, little do they know, that I'm such an ego maniac, the moment they get too much attention....I'll get rid of them, I do this to all my producers....the only one who knows the real truth is that she male who I enjoy stalking for nearly half a decade now...but as long as she doesn't listen in ever again, they'll be none the wiser... I amuse them by letting them think they are my friends, and letting them speak on air, and pretending on air as if I have really noticed personal things about their personality..anyway enough about them...it's all about me, me, me)

Talking about that cow, she is now terrorising me, and I don't like it one bit...the other day she tuned into my show, and started sending me death threats..and made slitting gestures outside the window of my studio..is she trying to say she will kill me? she also sent me this picture, what do you all think it means? She also sent me an email with this picture saying Lion killing Prey...is she trying to tell me something?

It's ok, though I handled it..thats when I made the bucket and jug joke...just so she knows that I know that she has a bath with a bucket and jug...i really hate bucket and jugs because they remind me of my times in Faisalabad, where I had to use a steel bucket and jug..and walk 18 miles to wash in unclean water...and the horrible inadequacies that come along with Faisalabad....especially Wednesdays..knowing I'll never fit in with the rest of the men, and that the women call me a Kusra. Here is a picture of my stalking victim, her name is Salahazaar Sheguevaahrah Khan. I wish she was Imran Khan, stupid cow, she just can't get anything right can she!!! I hate her, I hate her!!! Look at her, crying because I'm stalking her, and making fun of her every day on my show, when she has enough shit to deal with...how could she be upset....oh sorry, I forgot, I know exactly what I'm doing, but when you all ask, this is what I'll say..it will work for 4 years.

Here is Salahazaar herself ...

I said here is Salahazaar herself.....

Guess what she called me? the B word....Oh ok, I will have to stalk her a few more times, amybe she'll come round in 60 years time..tell you what I'll do...my cunning plan, whenever she listens I'll put on ; I like you just the way you are...' and she'll really fall for me then. ..

Except I did this the other day, and that's when she sent me the bitchy emails, and began laughing at me..she had been tricking me all along...not one to be outdone, me and shams quickly started breaking out into song, thinking she'll get scared...that didn't work, so I started talking and laughing really, really loudly, with a big stern voice...that didn't work, so I just got a bit nervous, but carried on like a trooper. Another embarrasing incident, was today..the cow had to listen in at the very moment when it all started going pear shaped on my show, we finally managed to convince an old woman to come on my show and talk...but she began talking to her family whilst on Air, completely ignoring my requests for friendship....as she was ignoring me, guess who began listening...yes you guessed it Shahaarezaad Lucy( that's her middle name) Khan. So to cover it all up, I began talking really loudly in a posh English voice. Yes, that covered up the fact I have virtually no authority, and made myself soo accessible no one has any respect for me anymore...that'll teach me for sharing every little detail of my life with anyone who'll lsiten. Anyway, it's a good thing I broke into a posh English accent (i could hear the bitch whispering aswell in the background..laughing, and hissing) as last time she said...''that's it four eyes, when in doubt just break into a Leeds Accent, that'll make everything ok'' well, Ha! This time I didn't it was a posh voice because one your wrong, and two I have left behind the old days when I wasn't posh, so now break into a posh voice to celebrate my newfound posh status, and the fact that since the days of leeds, I have subsequently gotten laid.

Goodnight.

I LOVE YOU 007

Hello Everyone,





Yes, I know nobody has missed me, but I've been on holiday for three months to Mirpur, the homeland, but of course (cunning as I am) I told everyone it was someowhere exotic like Indonesia, but really the only place I feel at ease is in Mirpur, Pakistan, Dadyal to be exact.





With the wind 'not in my hair', I ventured out into the wilderness because it was poo time, and we don't have toilets in Dadyal, so I had to search for the nearest piece of grassy land to dig that hole and relieve myself. Luckily, there are plenty of holes left over in Mirpur, as no one has tolielts there, (how ignorant of me to think so low of the indigenous people, I mean come on, like they would really have time to dig new fresh holes every time you need to relieve yourself...) so when it comes the time to relieve myself of Aunty Gazamphar's lentils (because were sooo healthy) what you do is venture out, run for the hills and basically you just 'recycle' old holes left over from the last persons visit.... each hole belongs to the various different tribes, etc,...so if you pick the wrong hole, and it belongs to a warring tribe, you may be met with a rifle under your arse (although I secretly enjoy it, but only on the weekends)





I remember the first time I did this, I had just come of age, in the prime of youth (yes, I had just turned 31) when I pulled down my Shalwar and instead of feeling the dewly moisture of the baldes, sorry ahem,,I mean blades of grass...(I have issues with my receding hairline, and I have many freudian slips), (although I don't really know what that is...but if you say things with enough conviction, and look up enough words in the dictionary...nobody questions your intelligence) of grass, I was instead me with the head of a donkey, well you know, there aren't a lot of very inviting ladies in Mirpur, and well you know one thing led to another... the second time it was with a Sheep...Baa, Baa she bleeped as I relieved myself. Since then I tend to have 'issues' with sheep, and can be heard regurlarly on my show hurling insults at the poor creatures, maybe it will mean that I never indulged in all those dirty deeds, and you will all think that it is beacuse I genuinely do have a real aversion to sheep!





Anyway, guess what...I've found love ...He's name is BRITGUY007.... i knew it was love at first sight, when I read his name...did I tell you that one of my psedonyms is : RajaNo1....a coincidence..well Ithink not!! He called me an Asshole today... fancy that an asshole? I've never felt so cherished in my entire life xxx





Britguy and RajaNo1...with a name like RajaNo1, I'll be wearing the trousers.... I'll be going to Jewelery Quarter soon, to buy the ring...no matter that I've never met the guy, and he told me to he's not Gay...I know he wants me really!!!





Love ya and leave you...I'm gong to tell my husband about this post before they kick me off the dating site...

Here's a Picture of the fabulous Mangla Dam...the biggest tourist destination in the Whole of Mirpur...all the macho men congregate there on a Wednesday to compare the size of the moustache...but I'm afraid I can't go, because I can only grow a bit of bumm fluff, and well, obviously I'm bald...Your moustache is a sign of your virility, and capability as a Man..and I hate Wednesdays as I always get laughed at, because the whole male population of Dadyal is at Mangla Dam being macho, and well I can't go....all i can do is sit with the ladies...at first I thoguht great, think of the amount of Shalwar's I could pull down, and well I know how to unlatch a parandha,...but the women don't want to come near me, and call me a 'Kusra' .

The water is brown becuase the macho men have weed in it...except me of course.