I surrender because I am a pleb who doesn't know how to pick his fights properly

Hey ho everybody,

It's the world's greatest pleb again. How's it all going everyone. As you may already be aware I'm off on leave. I just wanted to share my holiday snaps with you all. Here's me with Uncle Gazamphar again.

It may look like he is trying to drown me but don't be fooled folks, it's just his way of showing his love and affection for me. Our happiness and elation led us to the beach and well (as usual) one thing led to another.

There's just nothing like Monkey Love on the beach. But alas these days even Monkey love on the beach isn't what it's cracked up to be, especially after you've cast the surrender flag.

(N.B this is because Shaherazaad is kicking me painfully in the ass once again. She now blatantly listens to my show in the morning, and gives me all but a few minutes of attention. How did years turn into minutes so quickly? I realised that she is better than me in every way, and she will continue to kick my ass until I reach an early grave, because I am the world's greatest pleb)

Please someone give me advice, as I am lowering myself to devoting my entire programme to her shock uprisal, and basically just talk about her all day long (~no change there then). These days I admit I was wrong. Shaherazaad still continually tells me to fuck off, and how she is gong to kill me (SLOWLY), and the rest of it. She is doing the pretending to fancy me thing all over again, and ignores me whenever she feels like it. I just hate this, I can't even upset her by a stalk anymore. There's no way I can bring back the memories because she couldn't care less whether I live or fucking die, 'hopefully you die' (those were the last poetic words she said to me).

I admit I am a 5000% pleb. The Greatest Pleb in the world if you must know.

It seems nothing is working out for me of late.