Dermot's got something to say?

So Dermot's mouthing off again then is he? Tell him to shut up, and be grateful T4 didn't ask him to present standing up...that way we don't see the little puppet strings holding him back!

June laughs at anything anyway, so choose better company! Damn Fool! The picture conveys how I feel after listening to two minutes of T4..like death! Glad I'm winding you up though -x-

All my love, kisses and prayers for your sorry soul Dermot

Signed

Shaherazaad...It's ok I wont be listening to your responses! P.S had the pleasure of visiting your MySpace page today, which seems to confirm my opinion of you really... I know you don't write very often, but you write with your hands, not your arms, or even worse get someone else to write it all for you.

Anyway..if the Presenting Career goes down the drain, I think the NF in Colchester are looking for someone to head their local campaign, and well since you don't have much on top.

I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY? OH REALLY?

Here is a not very famous pic of Dannii Minougue in her 'Can't sell any records phase, so I'll copy Natalie Imbruglia, that other Australian, yes, that's genius idea' phase. Dannii Minogue famous for records such as......................................(please fill in the gap if you can genuinly think of one record she has recorded which was any good...actually..if you can think if one record at all)

(hello.... It's Dermot also suffering from the Wanda effect)

Hello I'm Dermot O Leary, you may know me be my guest 'appearances' on shows like Big Brother and X Factor, where I'm handed a mike for ten seconds and I get the privalege of pretending I'm a TV Presenter. I know, but I'ts ok..to dull the pain I can try and sneer at others like my bestest pal RajaNo1, who is nearly as brain dead as me. Yes, whilst I was busy pretending to be really clever, I made the fatal mistake of making a gag, invloving the song 'I should be soo lucky'! Luckily, Kylie's sister Daniel Minogue, needs a bit more publicity than me, as was therefore happy to oblige with me and my joke. Here's me and my crew, a place where I feel 'safe'...but not that 'safe' as you can see by my pose.

Haha! We thought we'd make fun of Shazaerazaad, and her 'no boyfriend' epidemic, which is more of an issue to us than it is to herself, but hey..so sorry it's the only think we can fall back on to make our pathetic excuse of a life, seem slightly more bearable. Anyway,we thought we'd be really clever and sing 'I should be soo lucky' referring of course to Shaherzaaad, and then laughing on queue. Even lip gloss lips joined in today, but these days she pushes the hair all back, realising that yes, it is a lot for the viewing public to bear...oh and she's stopped laughing like a crazy woman these days...I think she's been having some speech therapy, along with 'standaaaard' Nihal. who has now moved from South London to East London, and become a very crap Cockney.

Anyway, it was oh soo funny, but in rehearsals, we forgot to realise (because we are all clearly brain dead) that if you google in the word 'Dannii Minogue' on the internet, the search engine brings up a words which match the word 'dannii'....mostly the words 'Barren, spinster, and very, very old'

If only we had played a word association game like our mate Raja : we could have come up with those words ourselves, and also maybe if we had stretched our imagination, just a teeeny weeny bit we could have come up with a few 'ideas' ...yes original ideas, now that's a word you won't hear anytime soon on T4.

We would have also noticed that Dannii new look was very 'wannabee Elvira'...but hey, we can't think that hard, our brains begin to hurt, and there's nothing in our contract that says we have to think...just read and talk is fine...yes, Wannabee Elvira, she clearly doesn't have the 'fake' breast match just yet...but another year with X Factor and her crap judging and maybe this dream will come true.

Anyway, if we had used our brains a little bit more, we would learn to pick our fights, as Dannii and Co are the World's most famous spinsters really...there's an entire 'archive' on that one, try reading your own family history Dannii.

Oh well, you know I think I was just so overwhelmed that I was nearly the tallest one in the studio that day, what with the company of June, Dannii and Co, and of course my good self...I couldn't see how much of a real fool I was making of not only myself..but also my guests...I mean fancy reminding the entire world that 'Barren Dannii Minogue's' sister Kylie was begging for a boyfriend whilst dying with Cancer...oh well, we were so busy laughing at other people's problems, we didn't stop to realise our own did we now...but It's ok, my name's Dermot, I look like a twat, and well...I'm nearly the same size. (By the way that is actual size on the TV everyone..hey it's a good thing I work on tv isn't it...the can just about squeeze me into the television set)

Well, it's ok...if anyone messes with me about this 'gaff' well I'll just clap in tune with my crap joke, hoping my 'fake' alugh may just conceal everyone's else equally fake laugh (yes, we have to say it's a fake laugh these days, as we don't want to admit that we really find those very lame, and recycled jokes actually really, really funny...especially since I'm Dermot O Leary and well my sense of humour is obviously a cut above the rest...well the people who would watch the shit shows I present anyway, and write in and tell me I'm doing a fabulous job...oh well I think I'm in control...especially when people watch and lie, pretending they think I'm a fabulous TV presenter...just as well really, because obviously you can see I can't do a vary good job without a script and a big Possy)

Bye Bye

Don't worry Raja...I bet your proud we're representing your corner hey Raja? I know your soo happy with us....we're nearly as 'slick' as you. We just don't know what to do since that bitch Shaherazaad has been fighting back..oh well we can pull out a few Paul McCartney interviews as she is obviously a big Stella fan! Aha! See Raja...we'll sort out your issues with her, you just carry on stealing..leave her to us...although do come back, as we really, really are struggling, as it's the Dastard and Mutley effect...and guess who's matching Mutley today? You know Raja you've got to return, as you know since none of us do any work anyway, and well the pay isn't good..we need to get our job satisfaction somehow, and well since we lick your ass, please give us some more reason to do so Raja. ...we need to get the 'balance' right in our lives just like Nihal was suggesting the other day...we're all lost without you.

Sleeping Satelitte : The worldwide Raypid Eye Movement

STOP PRESS! STATE OF WORLDWIDE EMERGENCY! WORLD FALLS PREY TO OPERATION 'SLEEPING SATELLITE - R.E.M'

RayPid Eye Movement : A comatose state one enters when forced to endure listening to Adil Ray for more than three minutes without anything to break-up the time, such as a song, the sound of someone else's voice, a BBC jingle, a text or shout out, or a simple sound effect (a common ploy used on the Adil Ray Show). Exposure to his droning for more than three minutes without a break can cause serious health problems. see health problems, adil ray the twat, the meaning of true boredom, and how to fill a show with shit for three hours by Adil Ray.

The world is in a state of emergency as the forces of darkness have beamed Adil Ray's Newham 'moment/s' to planet earth. This has resulted in a world wide phenomenom, where the world has fallen into a controlled comatose state of narcolepsy. Even animals cannot escape the wrath of Adil's boring Newham moment, and the Animal Kingdom has found itself unable to shield off this state of complete sleep 'saturation' and have found that their arteries have been unable to rid the zzzzz...from their bloodstreams, thus resulting in sleep induced bloodclots, and ultimately for many MASS DEATH.

The bastard aliens found out about the 'source of all darkness and boredom' whilst eavedropping on earth's radiowaves, when they came across his voice one day. They then googled for any evidence of this 'weapon of mass destruction' on YOUTUBE and found the 'Newham' interview. It was all downhill after that, as the Bastard Aliens now have a weapon with very little cure against the entire human race.

Mulder and Scully have been sent to investigate, and the police are currently questioning Sonia Deol to ascertain her level of involvement in this 'conspiratorial plot' against the human race, to see if it really was a genuine mistake, or whether her and 'Darth Vader' on EARTH are really out to get us all, and why? What have we done to deserve this? What was so bad, that we deserve this punsishment?

Questions will be raised about the Balti Broomcupboard Corporation as we speak. Does Sonia's silence in this interview mean she has everybody's blood on her hands? Does her apathy mean she has equal blame for this, if not more blame, as she obviously has more sense than the biggest twat of the earth? Can we cite her as responsible for this tyranny on the earth? Was she part of the plot? Part of the Masterplan? Maybe Darth Vader had been bribing her?Maybe PlebNo1 was slipping a bit of 'black money' into the pigeon hole (no not your mouth Four Eyes, that's another blog says Shaherazaad...I'm not finished with you yet) Was she simply a long suffering woman, who's slience really meant : SOS? Did she leave her 'I'm with this idiot' top at home? Maybe we shall never know? Does it really matter? Are the bastard Aliens laughing there heads off? Were they both duped by the bastard Aliens? Is Adil Ray really Darth Vader's love child, and not Beelzebub, as we previously thought? Maybe he is half alien, and was sent on earth to bore the fuck out of everyone, in order to make the New World Order something we would actually welcome with open arms, just so we could get away from his droning and annoying T shirts for more than 5 minutes? What is really going on in the Taj Mahal of Moseley?

The Reith lectures are being adapted to change these new developments as we speak! The Whitehouse has declared the World as a being trapped 'in a state of emergency', and George Bush has held talks with Osama, so he can lend him a cave that he and Condeleeza can crawl into as the pressure of the new threat to World Peace'(his droning) is simply too much, and anyway, George and Condy have always been fond of Afghan tea anyway. They will all sit in an Afghan cave for a while, and work out a solution to this new 'weapon of mass destruction' and Osama says he knows plenty of ways of staying awake anyway, starting with some of his afghan brew.

We have raised the White Flag but it may be no good. Yes folks there may well be yet ANOTHER interview by the man himself. The nation and the world goes shopping for ear plugs as we speak. And why does Adil Ray bear an extremely strange uncanny likeness to every single Alien picture you will ever google on the internet. Try it and you will see.

We would like to wish the human race the best of luck in this time of deep distress.

Signed

The Journalist from the Big Bastard Corporation for Aliens also known as the B.B.C.(a) the impartial news choice for all Aliens across the Universe.

Those drongo's at Newham Council, if only they hadn't have given him the airtime he soo desperately craves all year long, maybe those bastard Aliens would never have found out how to kill off the human race.

STOP PRESS! THE KEY TO ETERNAL SLEEP! CURE FOR INSOMNIA! A MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH!

YouTube - Adil Ray & Sonia Deol at Newham Under Stars 2007

Memo from Shaherazaad : Click on the above link to see the biggest twat of the 21st Century make a complete fool of himself once again. He has mistaken his 'Newham Council' moment as a slot on Newsnight...DICKHEAD

However all is not what it seems as this pile of shit has other uses. Watch him drone on for more than a minute about how is is Adil Ray 'the nice guy' and you'll see that his contribution to Newham Council has extremely good 'sedative' type properties, and could be just the ticket for people suffering from chronic insomnia or chronic depression. No need to get the National Express just yet then.

HOWEVER PLEASE BE WARNED AS OVER EXPOSURE TO ADIL RAY'S NEWHAM COUNCIL SPEECH, LIKE ALL GOOD SLEEPING PILLS CAN RESULT IN PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE, UNCONSCIOUSNESS, CAN INDUCE A PERMANENT COMA, OR IN EXTREME CASES CAN EVEN RESULT IN DEATH. HOWEVER FOR THE SAKE OF HUMOUR, OR PERHAPS FOR THE PURPOSE OF SCHAZENFRAUDE IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT A TINY PROPORTION OF THE FILM IS WATCHED AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR, IN ORDER TO TRULY COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. CHRISTMAS IS A GOOD TIME TO START.

Regards from

Shaherazaad.

Picture Image

Hello, it's me PlebNo1!!

Please take a look at my photo, then scroll down and read my previous piece of creative writing titled You Tube : Rainbow, and then click on the Youtube link, after you have read my bollocks perspective on life, come back and look at the picture above.

It's a little psychological experiment, and it will make you understand exactly why they are now calling me TwatNo1 as opposed to PlebNo1, which it seems is not conveying the true feelings people are harbouring for me, and my new found social status.

I'm sure you will be enlightened as to the real reason why I have been given the title of TwatNo1.

Bye Bye

For all porno watchers like myself, do you think my name has a double meaning, or does it mean I am a twat in the metaphorical sense of the word. We need a raincloud for my musings don't we? Maybe Bungle can get the crayolas out and draw me one...and I'll use that a million times in my blog.

PS : Feel free to print off this picture of me, and throw darts at it for fun, it seems that it will get to that stage soon anyway, so I may as well begin the pretend to invite the mutiny with open arms, as my grumpy voice is simply not working.

YouTube - rainbow

YouTube - rainbow

Hello everybody guess who, yes it's me PlebNo1, the world's first and foremost plebber, plebbing around as per usual, broadcasting more bullshit, and generally inspiring people smack someone or voluntarily jump off a cliff after listening to 10 minutes of what I like to call a 'radio show'!!

Anyway, enough about me, let's think about the 'kids'.

You know all this sex dunGeOn shenanigans really made me think. What about the kids, I mean what about them? Because I am a 'modern' Pakistani now, and I know exactly how to pull off living in Britain, and not be classed as an 'ethnic' anymore, I thought I'd be really, really middle class, and take a moment to ponder about the meaning of life.

Whilst thinking about the meaning of life, and why we are here, I knew there's no way I'm ever gonna work that one out, so I turned to a topic more on my 'level' and then I just had to ask the question...excatly how did we get here. Of course this gave me yet another reason to think about the sEx dUnGeOn.

Well, that's when I started to remember the sEx dUnGeOn and how left out 'Reiss' and Co must have felt with their Crayola's and pot paint..I mean I think it's basically time to introduce them to the 'facts of life' and break them in gently about the Birds and the Bees, since me and Reiss are nearly on the same level of intellect anyway, and it would be good to share this bountiful knowledge with my dear Son whose name is Reiss (which means 'to copy' in Urdu, again not that I would know this..). Plus I am a 'secret' yet real bonafide Mirpuri (a Raja Chouwdery to be exact) and well, many of us in the pind like to rear our children as 'fully' grown adults at the age of 3. Yes, it's very telling of our culture, and our kids can be seen regurlarly talking back to fully grown adults, as this is the Choudary way you see. Choudary by name, Choudery by nature. When we came to England, we thought we could pass of this part of our culture as something new and 'breakthrough'...and of course the nice English people who want to be 'open minded' embrace it with open arms.

Anyway me and my crew, all got together and since we're sooo artistic thought we'd make a little Sex Education video, plenty of innuendo's which I should think will make Reiss and Co chuckle. Yes, I'm the one on the far Right, and two guesses who played Bungle?? Yes, as you can see it was inspired by our general life, and yes, there are references to the sEX dUnGeOn.

Me and Bungle are palnning a second sex education tape, and because she is such a good artist, we are planning to do play tribute to Tony Hart. Bungle says that I should play Morph as I am 'Morph' by name and also nature, and by the looks of it by image also... but I think the same about her too, so we were a bit undecided on this one...but I win, as I resemble definately resemble Morph in terms of general facial features, as it is clear to see that both me and Morph gereally look like walking, talking turds. Anyway, we finally agreed she would be better suited to playing Tony Hart as she is an artist, and well, I do bear an uncanny resemblance to the 'Morphster' himself. She says she'll have a full body shave on the day of filming, so I was secretly relieved as I would only have to tell her to get a 'full body' anyway, and well you know this is a sensitive topic, and we always seem to have a domestic about it, even though she pretends it's about something else.

Anyway, hope you like our work of 'art'...


Bye Bye

PlebNo1

Bandit Queen

Here is a picture of 'Phoolan Devi' India's favourite Bandit Queen.

Famous for 'fighting' for her human rights, and chopping up penis of inafamous 'war' and 'gang' lords...

Be afraid RajaNo1 be very afraid....she especially loves to hunt the blood of 'village' folk, just like yooooo.......