Dear Four Eyes,
I would like to present a problem which I'm sure you could solve.
I am a young vibrant 27 year old who works in financial planning, for the Royal Bank of Scotland. I am ripped and am up for anal too just in case anyone was wondering.
Anyway, this is my problem. I've developed a fascination with Dinosaur feet, and was wondering (since this is your area of expertise) if you could point me in the right direction, as to where I can find a replacement? My current Dinosaur has decided to leave me to embark on a new career working at Jurassic Park as a Cabaret singer. It brings a tear to my eye, as I thought it would last forever, but she is in demand and is billed to become one of the world's leading Stegosaurus's. Like 'your' Bungle she is a Vegetarian with a 'sense of adventure', which explains why she left me. Anyway I can't let go of dirty thoughts about her feet, and it looks like I'm in danger of being labelled a 'podophile' by people who know me, as I can't let go of this obsession with women's feet. Do you think long division or calculus could help me kerb my sexual urges, I mean if anyone knows about this it would be you.
Could you help me?
Yours Truly
the ripped 27 year old gemini who works in the Royal Bank Of Scotland, and is a gemini, and my telephone number for abuse can be found by contacting Royal Bank of Scotland and asking for the pleb. Anal proposals always welcome.
Reply by Four Eyes
Dear Mr Anal,
I am extremely moved and perturbed by your problem. As you may already know, a problem shared is a problem solved and I hope and pray that my response can slightly help to overcome the pain and anguish you must be feeling at this very 'tender' time of your life.
As a convicted 'podophile' myself, I would first like to congratulate you on your bravery in sending me this post. It's not easy admitting to 'podophilia' in this day and age, as people think that we are dirty and deviant, and to put it lightly 'scum'. I would like to say that a person's sexual orientation should in no way define a man, and in no way does wanting to have sex with a womans feet make us less as men, or even human beings. Not only is this view 'old fashioned' it is highly offesive and to put it bluntly wrong. We are simply satisfying one of the earliest human rights given to man by our forefathers who struggled for years for the right to toe suck to our hearts content. Only now after years of bitter bondage and struggle can we toe suck in glee, and admire the female foot in it's most potent form. I must say, as a self confessed and self convicted 'podophile' myself, I always feel a rush of excitement every time I get some Wensleydale Foot amongst my facial orifice, and can say I feel very 'spiritual' because I'm just 'that type' of guy. As 'podophiles' we must 'value' ourselves and our 'podophile' tendancies, which come in a vareity of different sizes. I feel that your sexual orientation is not simply something to do after work, but actually something higher which defines who we are as people of the 'podophile' nature. It is not sexual deviancy, but to me a statement to the world about who I am as a person, and what I stand for. You know those awe inspiring, all encompassing principles that help us through dark days. That's what 'podophilia' is to me, it's more than just toe sucking, it's a life choice.
TOE SUCKING : IT'S A LIFE CHOICE
Anyway, please forgive, it's been hard since Bungle left, as she usually did all the Social Activism stuff, but since she's gone it's been tough, and I can't seem to answer the question properly. So now I have to fill that void, and well since I feel so passionately about toe sucking, I thought maybe I can give that a try, maybe sell a few T Shirts. I think I started copying again, I mean if shaherazaad can eat her feet, why can't we? Let's copy that too!
In answer to your question about where to go with your Toe sucking sexual urges, why don't you begin with a trip to the local foot doctor, Chiropodist, or Podiatrist. Foot Sex is now seen as giving you social acceptance and qudos, and is the latest trend hitting the streets. If you're too scared to venture to the local Chiropodist, why not try renting out a film like 'My left foot' starring Daniel Day Lewis, in the privacy of your own home, and decide if you really do feel the love? If that doesn't help you can buy a special calculater which converts inches into feet, and like me do some long division to clam you down, and perhaps curb those sexual urges. Although this is a preliminary measure, please do not think in any way I am encouraging you to be ashamed of your condition. This is not an illness, and as a convicted 'podaphile' you should be proud of what you are and what you do. I'm merely suggesting these methods to test the waters. So I suggest you buy a calculater which always converts inches into feet, and begin your long division when times are tough.
Always works for me.
Yours Truly,
Four Eyes, Raja No1. The world's most formidabble stalker and self convicted 'podophile'.
