Don't mention the chickpeas! Anything but the chickpeas!

Attention All

Adil Ray (Slaphead and general Dickhead) is going through a tender stage at the moment, since the departure of 'MOPHEAD'.

In light of recent developments, can EVERYBODY please refrain from mentioning, eating or debating the 'chickpea' phenomenom due to the unbelievable distress this is causing him. Although this is a great thing, due to his chronic drug habit there are widespread fears he might go over the edge. Yes, I know this is a 'good thing' and why stop a good thing I hear you all cry?

I just want to say that mentioning chickpeas, brings back a lot of memories of him and wife number 700002. Just the sight of one methane rich bullet of chickpea brings romantic memories which he's rather not address at this very painful and distressing time. The first time he heard her squarking laughter, the first time he mopped the kitchen with her great (and very straightened) mop of hair, the first time she pretended she wasn't up for it (like the other girls), and of course her tinned soup.

Now, back to work. Although this brings everyone a huge amount of joy, (especially Shaherazaad) please keep the chickpea jokes postponed for the meantime, and until further notice.

On behalf of all Pakistani comedians, I would like to apologise on behalf of the 'ignorance' of my people, and their low brow and frankly quite ignorant jibes about 'village' life, and it's indiginous peoples, and their indiginous ways.

So it's poori and halva tomorrow morning for a swish Sunday brunch. Chickpeas are most definately off the menu.