Chickpeas are definately OFF the Menu

Chickpeas. Definately off all verbal/mental menu's until further notice.

Don't mention the chickpeas! Anything but the chickpeas!

Attention All

Adil Ray (Slaphead and general Dickhead) is going through a tender stage at the moment, since the departure of 'MOPHEAD'.

In light of recent developments, can EVERYBODY please refrain from mentioning, eating or debating the 'chickpea' phenomenom due to the unbelievable distress this is causing him. Although this is a great thing, due to his chronic drug habit there are widespread fears he might go over the edge. Yes, I know this is a 'good thing' and why stop a good thing I hear you all cry?

I just want to say that mentioning chickpeas, brings back a lot of memories of him and wife number 700002. Just the sight of one methane rich bullet of chickpea brings romantic memories which he's rather not address at this very painful and distressing time. The first time he heard her squarking laughter, the first time he mopped the kitchen with her great (and very straightened) mop of hair, the first time she pretended she wasn't up for it (like the other girls), and of course her tinned soup.

Now, back to work. Although this brings everyone a huge amount of joy, (especially Shaherazaad) please keep the chickpea jokes postponed for the meantime, and until further notice.

On behalf of all Pakistani comedians, I would like to apologise on behalf of the 'ignorance' of my people, and their low brow and frankly quite ignorant jibes about 'village' life, and it's indiginous peoples, and their indiginous ways.

So it's poori and halva tomorrow morning for a swish Sunday brunch. Chickpeas are most definately off the menu.

Bungle in the Jungle!

Remind you of anyone? ........................................ (think the walking around naked bit is a bit of a major giveaway)

'BUNGLE
Often described as an annoying six-foot, cross dressing bear, Bungle was always so self righteous, it's amazing that Zippy didn't slap him. However, judging by the ever changing appearance of the bear, it could be assumed that successive ursine do-gooders were dragged in as replacements when things got a little too hot for their predecessors. The perpetual school sneak, Bungle was always first in the queue to blame someone else (normally the Zipmeister) when things went wrong. The Jar-Jar Binks of the Rainbow household, Bungle is probably most famous for wandering around naked by day, only to pull on a pair of blue and white striped jimjams when it was time to climb the wooden ladder to Bedfordshire.
Character Most Likely To: End up amongst the foundations of Heathrow Terminal Five.'

An excerpt taken from ''www.btinternet.com/~acbarrett/bungle.htm''...found when googling the word'' Bungle''.

Raja No 1 says : TOE SUCKING: IT'S A LIFECHOICE!

Raja No 1 has something important to say!

Raja No 1 says : TOE SUCKING : IT'S A LIFE CHOICE!

Square Foot

Dear Four Eyes,

I would like to present a problem which I'm sure you could solve.

I am a young vibrant 27 year old who works in financial planning, for the Royal Bank of Scotland. I am ripped and am up for anal too just in case anyone was wondering.

Anyway, this is my problem. I've developed a fascination with Dinosaur feet, and was wondering (since this is your area of expertise) if you could point me in the right direction, as to where I can find a replacement? My current Dinosaur has decided to leave me to embark on a new career working at Jurassic Park as a Cabaret singer. It brings a tear to my eye, as I thought it would last forever, but she is in demand and is billed to become one of the world's leading Stegosaurus's. Like 'your' Bungle she is a Vegetarian with a 'sense of adventure', which explains why she left me. Anyway I can't let go of dirty thoughts about her feet, and it looks like I'm in danger of being labelled a 'podophile' by people who know me, as I can't let go of this obsession with women's feet. Do you think long division or calculus could help me kerb my sexual urges, I mean if anyone knows about this it would be you.

Could you help me?

Yours Truly

the ripped 27 year old gemini who works in the Royal Bank Of Scotland, and is a gemini, and my telephone number for abuse can be found by contacting Royal Bank of Scotland and asking for the pleb. Anal proposals always welcome.

Reply by Four Eyes

Dear Mr Anal,

I am extremely moved and perturbed by your problem. As you may already know, a problem shared is a problem solved and I hope and pray that my response can slightly help to overcome the pain and anguish you must be feeling at this very 'tender' time of your life.

As a convicted 'podophile' myself, I would first like to congratulate you on your bravery in sending me this post. It's not easy admitting to 'podophilia' in this day and age, as people think that we are dirty and deviant, and to put it lightly 'scum'. I would like to say that a person's sexual orientation should in no way define a man, and in no way does wanting to have sex with a womans feet make us less as men, or even human beings. Not only is this view 'old fashioned' it is highly offesive and to put it bluntly wrong. We are simply satisfying one of the earliest human rights given to man by our forefathers who struggled for years for the right to toe suck to our hearts content. Only now after years of bitter bondage and struggle can we toe suck in glee, and admire the female foot in it's most potent form. I must say, as a self confessed and self convicted 'podophile' myself, I always feel a rush of excitement every time I get some Wensleydale Foot amongst my facial orifice, and can say I feel very 'spiritual' because I'm just 'that type' of guy. As 'podophiles' we must 'value' ourselves and our 'podophile' tendancies, which come in a vareity of different sizes. I feel that your sexual orientation is not simply something to do after work, but actually something higher which defines who we are as people of the 'podophile' nature. It is not sexual deviancy, but to me a statement to the world about who I am as a person, and what I stand for. You know those awe inspiring, all encompassing principles that help us through dark days. That's what 'podophilia' is to me, it's more than just toe sucking, it's a life choice.

TOE SUCKING : IT'S A LIFE CHOICE

Anyway, please forgive, it's been hard since Bungle left, as she usually did all the Social Activism stuff, but since she's gone it's been tough, and I can't seem to answer the question properly. So now I have to fill that void, and well since I feel so passionately about toe sucking, I thought maybe I can give that a try, maybe sell a few T Shirts. I think I started copying again, I mean if shaherazaad can eat her feet, why can't we? Let's copy that too!

In answer to your question about where to go with your Toe sucking sexual urges, why don't you begin with a trip to the local foot doctor, Chiropodist, or Podiatrist. Foot Sex is now seen as giving you social acceptance and qudos, and is the latest trend hitting the streets. If you're too scared to venture to the local Chiropodist, why not try renting out a film like 'My left foot' starring Daniel Day Lewis, in the privacy of your own home, and decide if you really do feel the love? If that doesn't help you can buy a special calculater which converts inches into feet, and like me do some long division to clam you down, and perhaps curb those sexual urges. Although this is a preliminary measure, please do not think in any way I am encouraging you to be ashamed of your condition. This is not an illness, and as a convicted 'podaphile' you should be proud of what you are and what you do. I'm merely suggesting these methods to test the waters. So I suggest you buy a calculater which always converts inches into feet, and begin your long division when times are tough.

Always works for me.

Yours Truly,

Four Eyes, Raja No1. The world's most formidabble stalker and self convicted 'podophile'.

ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY*

ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY*

ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY * ADIL RAY*

(Just a little something to add to the world wide web, courtesy of Shaherazaad, did I mention that the Monkey's name was ADIL RAY? Hmm... well if you haven't already noticed the monkey above is aptly titled ADIL RAY. Once again his name is ADIL RAY)