Dearest Shazad, i lOVE YOU, LOOK AT THE BALOON, IT FOR YOU. (Do you like the wording, very T.P just like me on the inside)

In the colour of all respective T.P's Red. Their favourite colour after Green, the colour of Pakistan and Alum Rock. We especially love this combination in plastic flowers.

(notice how even though this is a poem for my new found love, my picture takes centre stage, and you and your cronies are stuffed in the top right hand corner, just something to ponder on the type of person I am. Anyway, on to my Shakespearean style sonnets..............................................................................................................You know I just love poetry, I'm a really poetic person, as you can see by my poem contents below)

(but don't forget my first love will always be stalking, hence the name Stalker No1)

Ode to Shazad (I wish your name was Shagad)

I love you, I love You.

Dearest Shazad,

When you asked me about my Bowling Tally,

I really wanted to take you to the bowling alley,

In your Man ears I would mumble,

That it;s your penis I want to fondle.

We can go to my house,

I'm a man and not a mouse,

I'll rub you down in the shower,

I'm so posh it's not bucket and jug it's 100% power,

I'll make you think your really cute,

So you don't notice I'm the size of a 4 inch newt,

and when you notice the truth,

I'll quickly give you the boot,

I'll call you back to clean my house,

Because I told you once I'm a real man and not a mouse,

I'm so predictable i'll even warn you before I pounce.

You'll get fed up of my tricks and games,

Then I'll get sneaky and start calling you names,

I make myself feel better by presenting with a bunch of kids,

That way they think I'm a real radio whiz,

I'll tell you your a big fat joke,

When really I can't get through the day without hoards of coke,

I will never stop calling you names

Because it gives me lots of fame

Then everybody knows my name

I don't know when to fucking shut my trap

Everyone knows I'm a big pile of crap

And really I'm the world's biggest Sap

And why exactly am I getting people back?

When it's me who needs a fucking whack?

Is it because there's something I really lack?

Don't you think I look like a Giant Ant? Don't you think I look like a Giant Ant? Don't you think I look like a Giant Ant? Oh Shazad I really want to get into your pants!

Love from Stalker No1

Monkey Business : I'm Back!!

Hello Everybody!

(A selection of family snaps taken at the Monkey Zoo, starring Uncle Manzoor the 1987th catching bananas, Aunty Gazamphar playing Ball and of course me and Mummy. Sadly we are missing Bungle, but i have made a new friend now,who reminds me of Bungle who I'll tell you tales about in the future)

Guess who everybody? Yes it's me Stalker No1, the best Stalker in town! Stalking 4U 4ever!! aka Pleb No 1, and Mummy's personal favourite Raja No1, as it reminds her of my real name which is : Mohammad Raja Adil Choudery Rahman the 597th.

Yippee!!!Whilst a recent trip to the local Zoo, I saw my great Uncle Manzoor swinging away at the Monkey Bars once again! It was soo nice, you know how close we are, with our family, I mean just look at our family business name the 'ahem'...House of Choudery! As you can see our business name shows real 'class' and 'panache'. The french fashion houses better watch out!

At the Zoo I threw a few bananas to Uncle and Aunty's way, as my uncle Manzoor is a vegetarian and it is extremely eco-freindly and highly bio-dregradable to eat only lentils. Yes it's true really, I mean I don't know the ins and outs but Bungle said that vegetarian shit is the best kind, and because she said it well then it must be true. Even my Uncle's shit is eco-friendly, which reminds me a bit of myself really? Eco friendly shit!!! Yes that's me in a nutshell really. But what about the methane I said Bungle, as the door slammed shut.

Ahh, such a sweet image, my realtives in the Monkey Zoo! In fact it was soo sweet I felt compelled to send you a few family photo's of me, Uncle Manzoor, and Aunty Gazamphar, who had been kindly adopted and shipped in from Dadyal Zoo, Mirpur, Pakistan.

It's so swish round here, I'm so proud they've finally made it to England! Aunty and Uncle couldn't contain their excitement when we came to visit..I could really see the family resemblance when Uncle Manzoor turned round and I saw his skinny little bottom...ahh a chip of the old block. (a very skinny chip, with no salt, baked with a touch of fry light), and when i saw his blood red bottom then i realised that me and Uncle Manzoor are more than just blood relatives. I think Aunty Gazamphar bears a striking resemblance to Bungle don't you think? It brings a tear to my eye when I think of what could have been...all the trees we could have swung from whilst in the throes of not so new love!!

Anyway bye bye, stalking just isn't the same when you don't have Bungle by your side to ignore.

Lots of love

Stalker No 1 or Pleb No 1...we would like the audience to decide, a basically either way I'm a big knob!